Friday, December 31, 2010

"I'm out..."

Happy New Year. I wish you peace, hope, faith, truth, perseverance and most of all love,
because of Jesus Christ, who shall make all things new when he returns... Let us keep our hope firm- "For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ" (Phillipians 3:20) and, "For we through the Spirit eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness by faith. (Galatians 5:5)

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Off to the Grand Canyon!

woo-hoo, yes!...we need a getaway. I am a traveling soul and it's been a while... Wanted to leave y'all with a post by Holley Gerth that really encouraged me. You can check out her very thoughtful words at Merry belated Christmas and a Spirit-filled New Year to you! If you love Jesus, the Word made flesh, you shine...

You shine... by Holley Gerth (To view in her blog, click here)

Light photo by Jeslee Cuizon (flickr creative commons)
The darkness still hovers over the dawn. I step on a plane that will carry my from here to there.
Carry me to my family, to my Grandpa Hollie in Texas who's celebrating 90 years of good living this week. I peer from the window.
The lights below me twinkle, twinkle.
And I think of you.
How can I not think of you?
You are the light of the world. Matthew 5:14
Some lights are alone...
I pray you're sustained, comforted, that you sense the nearness of One Who Loves You, even in the darkness.
Others are clustered in groups...
I pray you're strengthened, unified, that together you shine brighter and bolder.
Everywhere, sprinkled across the dark, are beams and bulbs, flickers and flashes. YOU. Beautiful, glorious, filled with the light of the One who made you.
And I just wanted to say...
Keep shining.
From your perspective, it may not seem like much.
But from above?
Oh, yes, you SHINE.
Beautifully, radiantly, more than you know, more than you see...
And trust me, the world is better and brighter for it.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

A very encouraging post to share...

 "When the Wolves howl from a Sheep's mouth" by  Mary DeMuth

Nothing is quite as confusing as spiritual abuse but yet somehow Jesus always preserves and delivers his little sheep- his forever.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Thankful for the body

Since we moved to Tucson we've had trials on top of trials on top of trials, sometimes to the point of desperation. They are too many to tell... but right alongside we made friends, new friends who have been loving us tangibly- and that has been our rescue. They've had faith, gifts and encouragement for us when we had little left, or when we forgot what we had and who we are. We are learning together that we simply are one body and that the only thing that can keep us together is our friendship and love, in and because of Christ. And this love is not exclusive nor can it be divided. The friendship and love is the sinew that keeps us together, nothing else will work. We are to receive one another and bear with each other.  One verse and passage that spoke to us is- Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification (Rom. 15:1-2).  Is this not love? Who could be strong all the time without any help. We need each other. It's not so complicated really.... Christ's message was simple but it would take faith in him to understand, and then he would do the rest.
"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you"
(John 15:7)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

A little while

                                                         but nowhere
                                                                                             overly sophisticated
                         but nowhere

desperate world
deception rules
and many stray far from the Son
though he never strays from them

all he said...
all he did...
you either take him whole or
you don't take him at all

can not say he was
"an enlightened one"
and pick and chose at his words
truth would lose all meaning
love would falter
and lie
...cannot lie
the fear he came to take
would be reborn

but born of truth
we can't deny
(the Son)

and fear reigns
He said we'd suffer
for a little while
He said the lies would
flooding come
deception would rule
for a little while
and men would say peace
and dance over the massacre
with no grief
or shame
some with no feeling
at all

what is a little while
in the face of eternity

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Come to me, my song...

I   f i n a l l y  downloaded another of my songs to myspace:

Come to me  

Friday, October 1, 2010

What we need & Hope for a tree cut down

...give us each day our daily bread...

and this bread really satisfies-

calms, heal, restores

sometimes it may come in the form of someone's prayer or kind word or deed

anything that causes us to return to the Source of abundant life

Once restored 


we can love

"How different would our lives be if we believed every single gesture 
every act of faith or love or joy or peace or word of forgiveness
would multiply as long as there are people to receive it. 
Our gift is not what we can do but who we are." -Henry Nouwen
from this song- great song check it out here:

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Habits don't die easy and that involves ways of thinking as well. Fear, shame, worry, insecurity they all don't go easy. They are always knocking on our door. There is perhaps a right kind of fear and a right kind of worry. I don't even know. Need to make more time to renew my mind, to get in touch with the truth that is already in me, the goodness that is there. Everything is so crazy these days, so disconnected.
We will talk truth as if to grasp hold of it, but can we live it? The freedom we profess or seek comes with a cost. Do we dare be different- people who live the message, unconcerned with all the superficial worries of this life- like how to make a living? Do I even trust he will provide? And what if what he thinks is sufficient for me is way less than what I think I need? That seems to happen a lot. We all have to shed this world in so many ways to find the real peace that was there all along. How quickly it gets lost around here with so many distractions, so many ways to try to remove the ache. Maybe the homesick feeling is meant to just be there. Sometimes it's there much more so, and maybe that's okay too...? If it leads me to his embrace, it must be good...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Lonely for comments...

So I know people come by, and that we're all very busy and all... So... who are all of you who frequent my blog and never comment? I'm not a news agency, you know?! A simple "hello there" would be dandy.
I'm not looking fo' yo' money, nor your admiration... just a little love. Let me know your thoughts sometime, otherwise I might just shut this whole thing down...!
I don't have facebook, and don't you make me have to get on there...! I'll never forgive myself. I'm already addicted enough to the computer! Geez. What a mad world we live in...
Also, while I have you here, I'd like to ask, what do you think blogger etiquette is? I know there is facebook etiquette...but what about blogger?!?!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Graced... once and for all

But can we believe it? That's all that was ever required- to receive the gift.
This video by Jim Robbins couldn't say it better, and yet we've been taught the opposite, way too much. The other message seems to prevail, but it won't last.
Time to rest and receive.
Can we? We absolutely can.

HOW TO SHAME A CHRISTIAN from Jim Robbins on Vimeo.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

More Twelve Tribes Community processing (updated)

I left this here yesterday...
I was with the Twelve Tribes as a member for close to 9 months after staying with them for a month prior. They do absolutely begin to try to strip you of even your own thoughts and emotions, your God given free will. They do that gradually of course, but they work full force on it once you are “in.” There is a lot of control from the top, absolute leader control. Although there are some nice folks there, they too have to deal with all the undue demands and submit to them, or else! (The consequences of not doing so are not pretty- you will be counseled to no end, kept a very close eye on and/ or put to public shame, and then eventually ostracized). Very sad. I am glad I was able to get out when I did. They probably would have kicked me out sooner or later anyway as I was not an “easy” convert in many ways. I was there too long as it is. I feel badly for many innocent people there who aren’t even allowed to process their own thoughts without being (often) interrogated or questioned. They let others be God for them, and are greatly damaged because of it.
One example is that the Twelve tribes will teach that “everyone can hear from God and share.” But in reality what you share is always scrutinized by whatever the “teachings” have already established. They are the guide to everything and the only right interpretations to scripture, as far as they are concerned. So they try to interpret EVERYTHING for you in the end, and you are left with nothing really. But many people there become used to that, and then numb to it- they see no use in fighting anymore, they are too exhausted anyway. (I almost reached this point). Very sad indeed.

NOTE: Despite what I've shared above, I know there are some very decent, good and caring people there and I was glad to know them and become friends. I've described more of this in some of my other posts. What I'm referring to here is the structure-  overpowering/ controlling teachings and leadership, deception, and also how so many are misled by it. It became evident to me that that was definitely there- some high up leader, running the show. I never met him, just some of his pawns. You could see in people's eyes the fear of ever even questioning Yoneq- a mere man after all. Like I said, I never even met him, yet he clearly defined EVERYTHING for the community. How could I not question him?!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Juggling act but counting my blessings

I would describe motherhood in today's modern age as an insane juggling act. I often feel like I'm just trying to figure out which ball is up and meanwhile, bam!, I get smacked by another ball I forgot about, and it knocks me down and so the other 20 balls (which are: laundry, groceries, driving, doctors, cleaning, teaching, playing, e-mails, phone calls (no way I'm getting on facebook!!), birthdays, driving some more, play dates, shopping, school stuff, and trying to squeeze in some time with my husband somewhere in there, and some time with friends and then some me time, God forbid.... and I haven't even mentioned all the sideballs- trials, inconveniences, problems...) come falling on top of me,  and then I'm crawling around looking for some dumb balls and I'm like, what the heck...?

But I do love the challenge once I can get some down time and reflect on all of it. I do love my daughter so much and I'm lucky to have a husband who doesn't want me burned out and will help out (way) more than most husbands I know... he is pretty darn domestic and loves his daughter to pieces. So I'm counting these blessings. Recently, I was able to enroll Maggie in a morning school and although I have to drive for at least half the time she's there, I'm so enjoying it. Driving is so therapeutic. Just driving through the dessert roads, surrounded by mountains, palm trees and sunny skies is just what my soul needed. My thoughts clear and I can hear what I'm thinking and feeling. I've always loved driving and driving until things begin to make sense. It does help that these are "off roads" and not congested highways for the most part.  Often, I like to listen to music, but lately I've just been listening to my thoughts, the silence, and such...
The school is so far away, but it is so perfect for our family in so many ways.  It is a safe place for Maggie, out in the country, where she can experience nature all throughout the year. Her teacher is a gem too, and I'm a lover of the Montessori teaching method.
...God is good to us always amidst all the trials and heartache. I am very grateful he always shows up in tangible ways despite our messes.

Friday, August 20, 2010

The bible for religious people...

I think the bible was written for religious people, people who think they can do it all by their own methods and strength; people who think they can "achieve" salvation or a level of goodness or rewards all on their own. Yeah, self-righteous people. The rest don't really seem to need it as much. They're already humble perhaps.  Perhaps I'm wrong.
I was such a person (self-righteous, and still struggle with this), but what the bible has taught me, and continues to teach me when interpreted right, is that I can't do diddley-squat on my own in terms of important eternal stuff, like loving.  It's just a fact. I can't even understand spiritual stuff, like the scriptures themselves.
When I first started reading it, thankfully I quickly made it to the gospels, Matthew actually. By reading what Jesus said, particularly in the sermon of the mount, I came to realize how much was "demanded." I wasn't even remotely close. What did he want from me?! But then I saw that He did it. He actually somehow pulled it off. He was altogether good. And so began my journey out of self-righteousness, and the realization of my deep need.
Maybe all he wants is dependence on him, because he can carry us, and is. Why all the kicking and screaming, who knows? He knows. For me it was this: how could I depend on a demanding God? Sometimes he seemed so benevolent, but sometimes my tainted eyes only saw demands- demands. demands, demands. The blind religious system wrote all these out for me just when I was starting to escape. But Jesus always pulled me back, and continues to- "Damn those demands!!," I hear him say time and time again. I was raised under demands, raised up under them (they were my stupid foundations) and they have had to be torn down. (Such is the nature of religion- HEAVY YOKES.) It has not been an easy demolition for him, I'm sure. He's still at it, I'm also sure.

Yes, it's taking me a LONG while to begin to see that he didn't expect me to immediately be just like him, that he wasn't expecting everyone to be "perfect."  I still struggle with this. I really do. It's so deep seated in me. Knowledge hasn't been enough to eradicate it. Only the experience of love has and is. And he keeps on breaking through with love, and I keep on being amazed at his patience with me-- reckless love.
It is a real thing. If he (Jesus) wasn't really real we wouldn't even be here. What he did is EVERYTHING and more than I can see, because it's who he is- LOVE- real, transcendent- an all-encompassing loving being that does not relent, abandon or leave his loving-ness towards his people. Amazing. I am seeing it. Through all kinds of trials (made to humble me) I am seeing his care. I never knew how proud and stupid I really was. I never know until he comes along and just takes care of things in his mysterious way, never like I expected. What a fearful person I can be. The trials pile up, and he will make his way. So when will I learn to trust? When, oh when? He's winning me, like only he could.
So maybe I'm starting to trust him.  Because he has turned SO much junk for good. Surely he'll do the same with the rest of the seeming "junk," trials, worries, burdens, blindness. Maybe I have trusted him some, because he's loved me in tangible ways. He did die for me after all. No one else has done that. Even his ripping at my pride and stupidity is his love. So keep on, Jesus. Keep on doing what you do, because I know who you are. Sometimes I might not recognize you right away, but you don't give up on me, on any of us. You are our only hope.

note: I only refer to God as "he" because I am referring to the man (male) Jesus, his son.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

All the places we can hide and stopping one-up-manship

We live in a very competitive world. It's it's in you; it's in me, and it divides all of us. Yeah, the stupid thing is competition. We've been bred on it; it's partner is comparison, and they are both bent on creating isolation. They are truly ways to hide from real friendship and authenticity, though covertly so. Some will think, "oh, well if my place is all up to date and put together I will be more accepted, I will belong, or if I appear that way..." But this is often not a conscious thought, though, but rather a compulsion that most have been trained by- to keep up appearances.... even exhaust themselves to that extent.
The other whammy that interferes with genuine relationship is one-up-manship. The thought or feeling that one has it "better" than another; it's partner is also comparison. Through this lense you only see people's "needs" or "weaknesses" and not their beauty or strengths. It is another way to hide from one's own vulnerable places.  Many people in "helping" professions, like counselors or pastors can very easily hide behind this lense. The lie is- they just need to help everyone else because they are doing "great" (when really they are not). Helping others becomes a way or compulsion to hide from their own issues. But of course it's not just people in helping professions that think or act that way. We are really, all of us, very complex...
We can't really be friends when we think we are better than someone, on any level. We can't really be friends if even a subtle competition is allowed to be in the back drop. It has to be identified and dealt with.
But what creates competition is insecurity. Relationship is replaced by achievement points, and the points are never enough to satisfy the one caught in the trenches of achievement (performance).
Being one-up from anybody (if there is such a thing!) never helped anyone, not even that someone up in their little pedestal. And that pedestal is a lonely place.
What I'm learning over and over is that it is painful and sacrificial to love, as we've been shown by Yashua, because we reveal our vulnerability- that we can be hurt, or even killed; that we are indeed fragile. He was naked, bleeding and dying on that cross. Love requires a death to self, the yucky carrier of competition, hiding and comparison. And real connection happens when all that armor is down.
What keeps it up is fear, not love.
I am thankful perfect love casts out fear. We need this perfect love, and it's been freely given. It will consume all our fears.

Give yourself the time you need...

to recover from stuff
cute baby animals - Clearly You Injured Yourself Being Awesome
see more Daily Squee

Monday, July 5, 2010

The gift of dreams (more on Twelve Tribes...)

God helps me in my dreams, especially in dealing with community stuff. I have very vivid dreams of things I don't think about during waking hours. I dream about situations that help me understand what happened at the community and why people became as they did. Why it became about laws and regulations, though that is not everyone's heart there, nor intent. The law just trapped them, as it does, and many fight against it, as I tried to. Many there do have a fervent love for our Savior that is altogether genuine. I thought about all these things as I woke up this morning.
I thought about what I missed. Definitely some of my friends. Definitely yearning  to work together for a cause higher than all of us; definitely serving others together; the separateness from the complex world culture;  the eating of food that we harvested with our own hands, or whom friends harvested and prepared, the dancing celebrations. The Spirit was there too sometimes as it is everywhere where people believe.
But there is much more I don't miss- the accusations and put downs, the constant assumptions or suspicions about my motives of heart, the questioning and challenging of all my prior beliefs and experiences. It was beginning to want to brainwash me, in fact some there believed I needed to be brain "washed". In most of their eyes I had just begun regeneration- I had not REALLY been saved until I was baptized into their group. And I sort of fell for that for a short time. I wanted to fit there because they seemed so devoted and genuine and they seemed to love me, and I loved them. But they did want to change EVERYTHING about me. I was a "newborn" baby to them, when I joined. My prior 15 years of faith mattered NOTHING. I didn't want to see this was true.
I don't believe EVERYONE thought this way, but the vast majority did.  I came to know a few who didn't and they are the reason I stayed for as long as I did. I loved them and they loved me as best as we could, and of course, I miss them.
I don't think most there want to be trapped in a stale religion that entraps, but many don't know any other way of life (like all those born and raised in the community). They see the world as a cage, not just because they've been told it's a cage. They themselves see the corruption, many have experienced it, only to return to community life. Many thoughtful people there weigh where the corruption is worse- is it in the community or the world? I weighed that same thing. We all want wholesome lives that reflect our Savior. The world entraps and corrupts, when we let it. But the world is EVERYWHERE. We can't escape it on this earth. We are in it no matter WHERE we are at, we are just not to be of it. And that is the call for true believers everywhere, always; it has been and will be for all of history- To not let the world in us (the corrupted world under the prince of the air...)
But his yoke is easy and his burden light. And He is the one that keeps us, saves us, rescues us, because we are his own and no one can say otherwise.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Oh, my my... big pet

iced coffee drinks, hippos massages, cozy blanky.... wonderful hippo life : ) I'm envious (says my husband)
Do any of you out there ever find yourselves thinking in blog posts....? There's so much I want to post, comment on, or share, but I can't seem to find the time (well, this one's just a short random one). But I'm gonna see about trying a little harder to find time for this blog realm.... It seems to escape me.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Serenity Prayer

I just ran across this... It looks like the longer version, very encouraging. I'm really coming to understand that life is indeed about learning how and when to let go (especially as a mother)... that's why we need our heavenly Father so much...

It really is a wonderful poem. Check it out here 
( by the way, I'm not endorsing the site above. Don't really know much about it, I just liked that particular page...)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

It has been so hard (more Twelve Tribes stuff)

My daughter, who is 5 and1/2, liked many of the same things I did about the community, plus I really protected her a lot from the nonsense when it became more apparent to me (see my post about leaving the Twelve Tribes, if you're lost). But she misses it, she constantly brings things up. She misses being around people in community all the time, especially the children. She misses her friends. Many things there were fun for her, and a lot of things became "normal" for us. I'm trying my best here for us to branch out, but she's skittish and timid now, more than before. She questions everything. And I don't blame her. I question a lot too. I can understand how it could be confusing for her.
I'm afraid the community influenced her more than I wish, and that she was indoctrinated wrongly some, being so impressionable. I feel terrible about this. I don't want her to be confused. She is already shy by nature. She is so smart, and children are sponges. I know it influenced me more than I wish, especially while I was there. We LIVED with these people for almost 10 months, so how could it not!?
I need time to deal with all of it, but it's hard to find the time. Life is just demanding right now and we need some support. I really haven't talked to too many people about it. It's hard to know how. It's stressing me out. For those of you inclined to pray... please pray for us.
Thank you

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Everywhere I go, people seem spread too thin, in one way or another. Not to mention online. I refuse to get facebook for this reason. It seems so shallow. I know maybe it's not always totally shallow. I guess it is what you make it. But most people have made it pretty dumb and superficial. What else could it be when you only communicate in short phrases and with pictures that show, maybe, 2% of anyone's current reality, if that. Maybe it serves as a way for people to fool themselves into believing their lives are so great... I fail to see how anyone's life could really be that great these days, with the world we are living in. Maybe life is good sometimes. Maybe there are some redeeming qualities here and there, but, come on, lets get real...

For me, writing and blogging have much more depth. Do I feel "left out" because I haven't joined the facebook bandwagon. Sometimes. But I feel this is unfair, really. Are my friends forgetting about me because they don't "see" me on facebook (because I didn't join like everybody-else-is-doing-it) Isn't this kind of, um, well, high-schoolish?

Are we to join every new trend, so as not to be left behind. This reveals more about the sickness of our culture than anything else. That's why I'm not doing it. We don't have a big flat screen TV either (among MANY other things that most people believe you just have to have, like everybody else....) I'm not gonna get one just cause everyone else is doing it... Man, the stupid pressures out there! Do we critically think about these things? The trends are growing and changing exponentially. And we're all suckers for them (many are slaves to them). The demands are increasing, but most people's paychecks aren't.... But, nevertheless most people will sacrifice a lot to keep up. Why? Because of fear... fear to not fit in. Fear of being different.( But I say it's good to be different.) Social pressure is the biggest kind of pressure, because we are social creatures... And lets not forget that the word "culture" begins with the world "cult." I don't know if this is accurate etymology (need to look into it more), but it makes one wonder...?

Tell me, have all these "advancements" improved our quality of life?

The evidence is quite the contrary.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Anger is not a sin- Part 1 (some thoughts on anger)

I know I'm really coming to accept this more and more in myself and I'm thankful for that. Anger doesn't have to feel so scary and dangerous (granted-we are not to be violent or harmful with it of course). Anger needs to be accepted and expressed. But more importantly, we need to accept ourselves in our anger.

Anger is just a part of life. And the more scared we are of it, the more angry we become, insidiously- quietly growing more and more angry inside. I know this all too well.
In religious circles, or dysfunctional settings, it's like the unpardonable sin to "slip into anger." By the time most people become aware of their anger in these settings, they are actually enraged (from so much repressed anger) and then this anger does indeed feel scary.... It's just such a sick cycle.  I think maybe also general anxiety is because of repressed anger. They say depression is anger turned inward.

So what's the healthy way to deal with anger? I want to explore this more... I know for women anger can be much less acceptable (because culture subtly says --"it's not woman-like or attractive for women to be angry." That's a double whammy. So more guilt can be piled on souls who need some healthy release...

There is plenty in life to be angry about. I'm not endorsing rage sprees or anything like that. But I am endorsing the reality of daily dealing with anger and frustration, and yes, even bitterness.

These days I mostly do allow myself to express my "negative" feelings, if just to myself and God...  But sometimes I still feel guilty for having such feelings. I don't know why. I do know that anything else apart from being real about where we are and what we feel eventually leads to more sickness and dysfunction/ destructiveness. So I vent my true feelings even if at first it feels wrong. (I vent them in a safe place first, not just to anybody!)  I was taught to hide the real me from an early age. It' s taking me my whole life to accept myself.... Not that I'm completely there, but getting a bit closer.

So I'm still learning....Plus I still have to contend with my moods (not to mention my hormonal moods), which CAN make me mean at times. I can get ugly and I begin to wonder what it is sometimes...? Is it repressed anger? So I allow myself to just feel what I feel and control the urge to actively hate everybody.

Can I forgive myself for letting my anger get the best of me? Can I forgive others? I can (with God's help). And I think that's the only way to move forward. A little at a time. And if there's a lot of feelings that need to be worked through, then that's alright too. There is grace for that.

Monday, May 24, 2010

There's no way around it (grief, and leaving the community)

Things have started to settle down a bit, so I've been better able to think through everything, and all the changes I've experienced. It all kind of hits me in waves. Life is just disillusioning sometimes. Grief comes, as it should; can't be avoided without detriment. I haven't purposely avoided it, of course, but I've often succeeded at keeping the pain at bay by staying very preoccupied with everything... and there is so much to preoccupy anybody, anytime.  Especially mothers. Especially, having moved to a whole new place....

Leaving the community has proved to be like breaking up with someone you really loved, who was just bad for you. You know the break up was necessary and at first you are somewhat glad to escape, though stung and disoriented. A while goes by (weeks, months) and you really miss them when you remember the good times, and then you are deeply saddened it just couldn't work. You feel empty and the weight of the sadness can't be denied. You're disconnected from everything. Not just your past, but even the present. It's like you're floating around in your own bubble of a planet. And you are definitely an alien (with stunted feelings). It makes you want go back to your familiar planet, but you know there's no real way.

CS Lewis says grief is like fear (in A Grief Observed)- An apprehension and anxiety, maybe dread. And it makes sense- your world is turned upside down again. Which way is up is hard to say. For me the haunting "pain" might lift on a good day, once the grief has had some release. Lewis says grief is also circular, you revisit it. You go back to a place of agony that seems too familiar, but he says it's not quite the same "landscape". It sure feels just as bad though, if not worse. I hate how repetitive grief is and how exhausting... You realize the only way out is to go through the dark maze. You may get reprieves, but the beast has to run it's full course. Who knows when it will end, and hence the fear, I suppose. Sometimes everything is a chore. The sting is beyond the surface, not too far, even on days when all really does seem well, and like the beast is finally gone. That's always my mistake- I tend to think "it's really gone this time." Maybe never in this life, is actually more the truth. A hard lesson to learn.

I loved and still love many people there at the community. I don't know what to write to them or say to them. They want me back and I can't go back. The relationship has died. What can I do? The only way they could see I care is if I return... It's just so messed up.

And so I take one day at a time and try to do what I need to, rest when I can, enjoy what I can, weep when I can... I'm trying to look the beast in the eye. It won't let up, really. I'm trying to just accept it for what it is and know no on can escape grief unharmed.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Moved to the Southwest!

It has been quite a ride... We are still getting settled. I love the desert, the terrain, the palm trees, the sun, the cool nights, the sounds, the wildlife, the thorny flowers. It's refreshing in it's own deserty way.
I hope to be able to write more as things get settled, it has been very busy.
I know some of you have probably been wondering what happened to me. So yes, I moved west, and... it does suit me better. It suits our family better, although it's a big change on a lot of levels. I like the adventure of it, and mostly the nature walks!

Cactus flower outside our patio area

Friday, March 12, 2010

Moving sale!

Our indoor moving sale went great! Thanks to friends and answered prayers! I really felt supported. We sold a lot of stuff, for dirt cheap- it was wonderful. We had so many people come through our door.
It was lovely to experience community outside of any religious pressure whatsoever. We saw many of our neighbors we hadn't seen in a while, old friends, and just nice down to earth folks, who aren't trying to impress anybody. It was refreshing, because I hadn't experienced "community" since leaving the Twelve Tribes community. I've gone from living with 35+ people for 10 months, to virtual isolation and it has been challenging (I needed the time alone, though...). But today I saw that you don't necessarily have to move in with folks, you just need to be friendly and stuff happens...
After today, I feel more like myself, I talked with many folks... Real, intelligent, hard-working people. Our real estate agent stopped by and stayed with his daughter for almost two hours! Today I went from bleary eyed, sleep deprived apprehensive sales lady, to happy neighborly friend in less than 1 hour (coffee included). I'm thankful.

- My new motto is: Have a yard sale, welcome all you wonderful neighbors- near and far. Get to know them on their terms, you'll learn a lot. Your neighborhood is bigger than you think and has many hidden treasures- they come out for yard sales and bad economy.

Part too of the sale is tomorrow, or today, rather. Tomorrow I will try and post some pictures...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Takes a lifetime

Healing takes time
more than a lifetime
we marry each other
broken and weak
with all kinds of armor
to protect the seed
but what we want matters everything
and in the end it will show

what do I have to hold on to
except that I am yours
I'm willing to bleed
to learn the way
to stumble but turn my face to the sun
and keep turning
because you see me

And that you see
is not fearsome to me
it is comfort and sunlight
warm and calm
like prairies I can
peacefully walk upon

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

where apathy comes from?

I think everyone only learns through serious hardship. We only change our ways after we become extremely uncomfortable with the way things have been going. We try new things, maybe too many new things, get spread too thin and then back track and re-think things. And this is good, because I think our lives are not supposed to be so very complicated. They become complicated when we enmesh ourselves in all kinds of things and situations that pull us away from what's important, ever so subtly and slowly. We need a quiet discernment, and it comes through great "unhappiness"

We are faced with so very many choices everyday, much more than anyone at any other time in history, I believe. Especially with technology and the internet providing myriads and myriads of avenues for everything.... But how spread out can we become, without losing something very vital, I really wonder....?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

quotable quotes...

"Ideally, the Church is a pilgrim people, blissfully happy in their indifference to wealth and possession, unworried by the insecurity of all systems and institutions because they know they have no abiding city here. They are en route, a learning people, always ready to admit their errors in the face of truth, welcoming the truth where it is found, and knowing that it can be found among all peoples, whether Christian or not." (Gerard W Hughes)

"It does not take a majority to prevail...but rather an irate,
tireless minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the minds
of men." -Samuel Adams

john 6:28, 29 "...Then they said to Him, “What shall we do, that we may work the works of God?” Jesus answered and said to them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He sent.”

1 john 4:1 "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world." (jesus)

Thursday, February 18, 2010


I'm thankful there is hope and that God promised to win. I'm thankful he still speaks to his children and keeps them though all sorts of calamities. I'm thankful he can be found in the deepest struggles and most intense insecurities and heartaches and loneliness and brokenness.
I'm thankful he finds a way to break through every time and that his truth is greater than any lie. I'm thankful he really sees and makes a way.
I'm thankful he really wants to connect his children and will make sure of it. I'm thankful he does not relent.
I'm thankful he can make a beautiful oasis in the dessert journey. How he is drawing near to those crumbling or close to death. I'm thankful that he brings life and that he can not be contained. I'm thankful his light breaks and scatters the darkness and that he is the Living word, and there is no lie in him.
I'm thankful he is and will forever be.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Reality check

If you don't face and confront the evil done to you, you will become that evil.

This really came to mind this morning... Those of us on a search for truth and to live in reality can't escape this. It is unavoidable and it only follows that great courage is needed, and also that it is a PROCESS. If you know you that you are at least moving in that direction, then you know you are on the right path, though it is so painful sometimes. Little victories can be celebrated, though brought by great sweat and tears. It is amazing to me the power greater than oneself to keep on this path.

I watched "The Fellowship of the Ring" again last night and the courage Frodo and his friends demonstrated was very inspiring to me. Frodo had a burden no one else had, but his friends weren't about to leave him, especially one friend, no matter what the cost was-- evil could not, would not, prevail; a fellowship was needed. I love this trilogy (despite the ugly site of the orcs...) It has such a profound message...

Saturday, February 6, 2010


Okay, so I am back in "the real world" now, where, yes, there is much deception, but also much truth and beauty and many wonderful truth-seekers and children of God.
I am out of the Twelve Tribes Community and so I deleted my previous post. I had enough. It was essentially not what it claimed and that took a while to see. Their claims of themselves are greatly disproportionate to the realities there. This was sad for me to swallow. There are some good, kind people there, but it does NOT measure up, at all, to all their lofty claims.
I wouldn't say I was completely "suckered," I wanted something different than the rat race and I did get it. I experienced a simpler existence in many ways. I sort of went back in time and made some new friends, many of which may sadly no longer consider me a friend... But such is the nature of the beast and controlling systems that I always seem to end up in, in some desperation for normalcy, whatever that means.
I don't mean to make light of a very difficult situation and transition. I am picking up the pieces that were there before I even left.
I am asking myself, what is it that I am really longing for?
I think these are definitely in there:
A simpler life.
Enduring friendships.
More meaningful connections for our family.
Being closer to the earth and it's bounty.
Warmer weather and better scenery... if these could also be granted

I don't think I am asking too much, but these things are a bit elusive these days, I have to admit. I got to work outside quite a bit while I was there, especially in the summer. And that is just part of what I need, a closeness to creation.
I don't think I'm so different from anyone else. My aspirations are not so high except that I can be very impatient in attaining them and so I can make rash, hasty decisions.

But more deeply, there is healing ahead for me... I think the journey home can often be treacherous for all of us, especially in these times. But there is light and love to be known along the way, even if it is in tiny snippets sometimes. I will hold to these for now and press on. I will keep my hope firm.

This is a season of deep thought for me, of re-integrating with my purpose and Creator. Reintegrating within myself, in a sense.

I am glad to be back. I don't know where the wind will take us next, but I know who will be with us...