Saturday, February 6, 2010

Suckered...?

Okay, so I am back in "the real world" now, where, yes, there is much deception, but also much truth and beauty and many wonderful truth-seekers and children of God.
I am out of the Twelve Tribes Community and so I deleted my previous post. I had enough. It was essentially not what it claimed and that took a while to see. Their claims of themselves are greatly disproportionate to the realities there. This was sad for me to swallow. There are some good, kind people there, but it does NOT measure up, at all, to all their lofty claims.
I wouldn't say I was completely "suckered," I wanted something different than the rat race and I did get it. I experienced a simpler existence in many ways. I sort of went back in time and made some new friends, many of which may sadly no longer consider me a friend... But such is the nature of the beast and controlling systems that I always seem to end up in, in some desperation for normalcy, whatever that means.
I don't mean to make light of a very difficult situation and transition. I am picking up the pieces that were there before I even left.
I am asking myself, what is it that I am really longing for?
I think these are definitely in there:
A simpler life.
Enduring friendships.
More meaningful connections for our family.
Being closer to the earth and it's bounty.
And
Warmer weather and better scenery... if these could also be granted

I don't think I am asking too much, but these things are a bit elusive these days, I have to admit. I got to work outside quite a bit while I was there, especially in the summer. And that is just part of what I need, a closeness to creation.
I don't think I'm so different from anyone else. My aspirations are not so high except that I can be very impatient in attaining them and so I can make rash, hasty decisions.

But more deeply, there is healing ahead for me... I think the journey home can often be treacherous for all of us, especially in these times. But there is light and love to be known along the way, even if it is in tiny snippets sometimes. I will hold to these for now and press on. I will keep my hope firm.

This is a season of deep thought for me, of re-integrating with my purpose and Creator. Reintegrating within myself, in a sense.

I am glad to be back. I don't know where the wind will take us next, but I know who will be with us...



14 comments:

Erin said...

Your post is beautiful Manu....it highlights so many things we all are searching for. "Suckered"? Maybe. But any of us can be drawn into something that seems right. And it seems like you had some good experiences and learned a lot about yourself too. Just take away the good and move forward.

Sarah Ward said...

you're still on my google reader so this post popped up. i hope and pray that you're able to find the things you are searching for, things i long for as well.

Jo said...

It is very easy for our good intentions to lead us in wrong directions. Been there, done that! Just focus on the One who will never lead you astray. He knows the desires of your heart and can give you what you need. :)

lionwoman said...

Manuela, I saw your post on shedding religion. It's good to hear from you again! I am not familiar with Twelve Tribes, but well, I'm glad you're back. You're a great writer and express the things we all long for. I understand about making rash decisions trying to meet your basic human needs for community and friendship. It is so elusive and hard to find these days.

I feel like I've lost touch with the blogging community, seems everyone is facebooking and twitting these days. Signs of the times ;-(. I hope you'll come check my blog one day, I think I get very few readers anymore. :-)

Manuela said...

Thank you for your compassion Erin!
Sorry for the delayed reply. I forgot all my comments were under "comment moderation" and I didn't even see them or how it works until just now! I'm glad I actually had some comments.... I was beginning to wonder if all bloggers were indeed lost to facebook.
You are so encouraging....I do need to keep moving forward!

Manuela said...

Hi Sarah,
Thank you for your kindness and honesty. Truly
Sorry for the delayed reply (see my comment above)
I hope you are well... Love

**************
Thank you annonymous JO...

******************
Hi lionwoman! I did stop by your blog the other day, but I'll need to leave a comment next time! I'm totally with you on the facebook and twitting thing...! (see my first comment!:)) I must be one of the few souls left on the developed world, that doesn't have a facebook profile! About the time that it really took off (and took over the blogging world) is when I joined the Twelve Tribes! I wonder if there is a connection there! I blame facebook :D!

Meghan said...

Manuela,
I just ran across your blog and can totally relate to your longing. I was really close to joining the TT (had moved in for a couple of weeks, but have known them for 3 years). It all seemed good and that everything was provided (socially, work, friends, etc.), but the biggest thing was that they were CONTROLLING everything to fabricate this "life". No one can act themselves or take a big sigh of relief; afraid of not performing up to their standards. It would be "Utopia" if it weren't fabricated, but sadly it is. The good news is that I can find love and support through TRUE friends that value me for who I am, not what work I can do. This is longer than expected, but I felt I needed to write. My thoughts are with you. -Meghan

Manuela said...

Thank you for your comment Meghan. The longing for a simpler, more meaningful life is greatly increasing in folks these days and for good reasons...
You're so right it can't be forced! And, sadly, it became that there. It was there all along. But they hid it pretty well from me for a while. I'm sure many there will say that it was me that didn't want to live their "great" life. But they are greatly and sadly deceived about many things. Not everyone there of course. Some are unfortunately feeling trapped without resources for leaving, or too afraid to leave... But there's always a way to follow what's true, and people on the other side to help.
Thanks again for relating!

brett said...

Manuela, Hi, well said on your post about the TT, being not who they say they are...I lived in the TT '95-'97..come join us on the yahoo group ex-twelve tribes freethinkers, or you can contact me email, if you ever want to talk..keapinitreal33@yahoo.com...much love and peace, Brett

Manuela said...

Hi Brett, thanks for stopping by and for your comment!

Jodymcgrody said...

They really can seem like they're "it", until your immersed in the life there. They had everything I thought I was looking for but what I really needed was just developing a relationship with God through His Holy Spirit. Finding community, living that kind of lifestyle, everything there that appealed to me was just me trying to take a shortcut to the place God wants me to be, being led by His Spirit. A lot of sincere people like you said, but it's the land of the law and not of the free.

Manuela said...

Hi Jody,
I know what you mean about there being no shortcuts to where God wants us to be. And also no clear paved ways. I’m glad the Spirit doesn’t abandon us. I’m learning to just hear him everywhere more and more. He has so much more grace than I ever imagined
Thanks for the feedback

LARRY C. said...

I was a part of the Twelve Tribes when it was simply known as The Vine House and the apostle Yoneq was simply "Gene". No mandate to live in community. Lots of emphasis on love, grace, forgiveness; no power trips; acceptance and toleance no grandiose claims about himself or the commuity other than thy were just a part of the larger Body of Christ. A truly amazing time. But eventually the New Wineskins do become the Old Wineskins, and groups change just as people do. It is so sad that lessons that Gene taught in those days about living under grace and not the law he did't continue (Gene had grown up in the very conservative and legalistic Christian and Missionary Alliance Church, which he rebelled against at a teen and young adult). Hang in there and much success with your blog. Larry C. hazydaysofsummer@yahoo.com

Manuela said...

Larry C,
Thanks for your comment and sharing your experience! Sorry for the delayed reply.
It's sad how good things can become "old wineskins" almost without notice, until later.
I know that many people there still have a real faith of course, but it gets all convoluted... I could see that being there.