Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Serenity Prayer

I just ran across this... It looks like the longer version, very encouraging. I'm really coming to understand that life is indeed about learning how and when to let go (especially as a mother)... that's why we need our heavenly Father so much...

It really is a wonderful poem. Check it out here 
( by the way, I'm not endorsing the site above. Don't really know much about it, I just liked that particular page...)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

It has been so hard (more Twelve Tribes stuff)

My daughter, who is 5 and1/2, liked many of the same things I did about the community, plus I really protected her a lot from the nonsense when it became more apparent to me (see my post about leaving the Twelve Tribes, if you're lost). But she misses it, she constantly brings things up. She misses being around people in community all the time, especially the children. She misses her friends. Many things there were fun for her, and a lot of things became "normal" for us. I'm trying my best here for us to branch out, but she's skittish and timid now, more than before. She questions everything. And I don't blame her. I question a lot too. I can understand how it could be confusing for her.
I'm afraid the community influenced her more than I wish, and that she was indoctrinated wrongly some, being so impressionable. I feel terrible about this. I don't want her to be confused. She is already shy by nature. She is so smart, and children are sponges. I know it influenced me more than I wish, especially while I was there. We LIVED with these people for almost 10 months, so how could it not!?
I need time to deal with all of it, but it's hard to find the time. Life is just demanding right now and we need some support. I really haven't talked to too many people about it. It's hard to know how. It's stressing me out. For those of you inclined to pray... please pray for us.
Thank you

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Everywhere I go, people seem spread too thin, in one way or another. Not to mention online. I refuse to get facebook for this reason. It seems so shallow. I know maybe it's not always totally shallow. I guess it is what you make it. But most people have made it pretty dumb and superficial. What else could it be when you only communicate in short phrases and with pictures that show, maybe, 2% of anyone's current reality, if that. Maybe it serves as a way for people to fool themselves into believing their lives are so great... I fail to see how anyone's life could really be that great these days, with the world we are living in. Maybe life is good sometimes. Maybe there are some redeeming qualities here and there, but, come on, lets get real...

For me, writing and blogging have much more depth. Do I feel "left out" because I haven't joined the facebook bandwagon. Sometimes. But I feel this is unfair, really. Are my friends forgetting about me because they don't "see" me on facebook (because I didn't join like everybody-else-is-doing-it) Isn't this kind of, um, well, high-schoolish?

Are we to join every new trend, so as not to be left behind. This reveals more about the sickness of our culture than anything else. That's why I'm not doing it. We don't have a big flat screen TV either (among MANY other things that most people believe you just have to have, like everybody else....) I'm not gonna get one just cause everyone else is doing it... Man, the stupid pressures out there! Do we critically think about these things? The trends are growing and changing exponentially. And we're all suckers for them (many are slaves to them). The demands are increasing, but most people's paychecks aren't.... But, nevertheless most people will sacrifice a lot to keep up. Why? Because of fear... fear to not fit in. Fear of being different.( But I say it's good to be different.) Social pressure is the biggest kind of pressure, because we are social creatures... And lets not forget that the word "culture" begins with the world "cult." I don't know if this is accurate etymology (need to look into it more), but it makes one wonder...?

Tell me, have all these "advancements" improved our quality of life?

The evidence is quite the contrary.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Anger is not a sin- Part 1 (some thoughts on anger)

I know I'm really coming to accept this more and more in myself and I'm thankful for that. Anger doesn't have to feel so scary and dangerous (granted-we are not to be violent or harmful with it of course). Anger needs to be accepted and expressed. But more importantly, we need to accept ourselves in our anger.

Anger is just a part of life. And the more scared we are of it, the more angry we become, insidiously- quietly growing more and more angry inside. I know this all too well.
In religious circles, or dysfunctional settings, it's like the unpardonable sin to "slip into anger." By the time most people become aware of their anger in these settings, they are actually enraged (from so much repressed anger) and then this anger does indeed feel scary.... It's just such a sick cycle.  I think maybe also general anxiety is because of repressed anger. They say depression is anger turned inward.

So what's the healthy way to deal with anger? I want to explore this more... I know for women anger can be much less acceptable (because culture subtly says --"it's not woman-like or attractive for women to be angry." That's a double whammy. So more guilt can be piled on souls who need some healthy release...

There is plenty in life to be angry about. I'm not endorsing rage sprees or anything like that. But I am endorsing the reality of daily dealing with anger and frustration, and yes, even bitterness.

These days I mostly do allow myself to express my "negative" feelings, if just to myself and God...  But sometimes I still feel guilty for having such feelings. I don't know why. I do know that anything else apart from being real about where we are and what we feel eventually leads to more sickness and dysfunction/ destructiveness. So I vent my true feelings even if at first it feels wrong. (I vent them in a safe place first, not just to anybody!)  I was taught to hide the real me from an early age. It' s taking me my whole life to accept myself.... Not that I'm completely there, but getting a bit closer.

So I'm still learning....Plus I still have to contend with my moods (not to mention my hormonal moods), which CAN make me mean at times. I can get ugly and I begin to wonder what it is sometimes...? Is it repressed anger? So I allow myself to just feel what I feel and control the urge to actively hate everybody.

Can I forgive myself for letting my anger get the best of me? Can I forgive others? I can (with God's help). And I think that's the only way to move forward. A little at a time. And if there's a lot of feelings that need to be worked through, then that's alright too. There is grace for that.