More Twelve Tribes Community processing (updated)

I left this here yesterday...

I was with the Twelve Tribes as a member for close to 9 months after staying with them for a month prior. They do absolutely begin to try to strip you of even your own thoughts and emotions, your God given free will. They do that gradually of course, but they work full force on it once you are “in.” There is a lot of control from the top, absolute leader control. Although there are some nice folks there, they too have to deal with all the undue demands and submit to them, or else! (The consequences of not doing so are not pretty- you will be counseled to no end, kept a very close eye on and/ or put to public shame, and then eventually ostracized). Very sad. I am glad I was able to get out when I did. They probably would have kicked me out sooner or later anyway as I was not an “easy” convert in many ways. I was there too long as it is. I feel badly for many innocent people there who aren’t even allowed to process their own thoughts without being (often) interrogated or questioned. They let others be God for them, and are greatly damaged because of it.
One example is that the Twelve tribes will teach that “everyone can hear from God and share.” But in reality what you share is always scrutinized by whatever the “teachings” have already established. They are the guide to everything and the only right interpretations to scripture, as far as they are concerned. So they try to interpret EVERYTHING for you in the end, and you are left with nothing really. But many people there become used to that, and then numb to it- they see no use in fighting anymore, they are too exhausted anyway. (I almost reached this point). Very sad indeed.

NOTE: Despite what I've shared above, I know there are some very decent, good and caring people there and I was glad to know them and become friends. I've described more of this in some of my other posts. What I'm referring to here is the structure-  overpowering/ controlling teachings and leadership, deception, and also how so many are misled by it. It became evident to me that that was definitely there- some high up leader, running the show. I never met him, just some of his pawns. You could see in people's eyes the fear of ever even questioning Yoneq- a mere man after all. Like I said, I never even met him, yet he clearly defined EVERYTHING for the community. How could I not question him?!

The gift of dreams (more on Twelve Tribes...)

God helps me in my dreams, especially in dealing with community stuff. I have very vivid dreams of things I don't think about during waking hours. I dream about situations that help me understand what happened at the community and why people became as they did. Why it became about laws and regulations, though that is not everyone's heart there, nor intent. The law just trapped them, as it does, and many fight against it, as I tried to. Many there do have a fervent love for our Savior that is altogether genuine. I thought about all these things as I woke up this morning.
I thought about what I missed. Definitely some of my friends. Definitely yearning  to work together for a cause higher than all of us; definitely serving others together; the separateness from the complex world culture;  the eating of food that we harvested with our own hands, or whom friends harvested and prepared, the dancing celebrations. The Spirit was there too sometimes as it is everywhere where people believe.
But there is much more I don't miss- the accusations and put downs, the constant assumptions or suspicions about my motives of heart, the questioning and challenging of all my prior beliefs and experiences. It was beginning to want to brainwash me, in fact some there believed I needed to be brain "washed". In most of their eyes I had just begun regeneration- I had not REALLY been saved until I was baptized into their group. And I sort of fell for that for a short time. I wanted to fit there because they seemed so devoted and genuine and they seemed to love me, and I loved them. But they did want to change EVERYTHING about me. I was a "newborn" baby to them, when I joined. My prior 15 years of faith mattered NOTHING. I didn't want to see this was true.
I don't believe EVERYONE thought this way, but the vast majority did.  I came to know a few who didn't and they are the reason I stayed for as long as I did. I loved them and they loved me as best as we could, and of course, I miss them.
I don't think most there want to be trapped in a stale religion that entraps, but many don't know any other way of life (like all those born and raised in the community). They see the world as a cage, not just because they've been told it's a cage. They themselves see the corruption, many have experienced it, only to return to community life. Many thoughtful people there weigh where the corruption is worse- is it in the community or the world? I weighed that same thing. We all want wholesome lives that reflect our Savior. The world entraps and corrupts, when we let it. But the world is EVERYWHERE. We can't escape it on this earth. We are in it no matter WHERE we are at, we are just not to be of it. And that is the call for true believers everywhere, always; it has been and will be for all of history- To not let the world in us (the corrupted world under the prince of the air...)
But his yoke is easy and his burden light. And He is the one that keeps us, saves us, rescues us, because we are his own and no one can say otherwise.

It has been so hard (more Twelve Tribes stuff)

My daughter, who is 5 and1/2, liked many of the same things I did about the community, plus I really protected her a lot from the nonsense when it became more apparent to me (see my post about leaving the Twelve Tribes, if you're lost). But she misses it, she constantly brings things up. She misses being around people in community all the time, especially the children. She misses her friends. Many things there were fun for her, and a lot of things became "normal" for us. I'm trying my best here for us to branch out, but she's skittish and timid now, more than before. She questions everything. And I don't blame her. I question a lot too. I can understand how it could be confusing for her.
I'm afraid the community influenced her more than I wish, and that she was indoctrinated wrongly some, being so impressionable. I feel terrible about this. I don't want her to be confused. She is already shy by nature. She is so smart, and children are sponges. I know it influenced me more than I wish, especially while I was there. We LIVED with these people for almost 10 months, so how could it not!?
I need time to deal with all of it, but it's hard to find the time. Life is just demanding right now and we need some support. I really haven't talked to too many people about it. It's hard to know how. It's stressing me out. For those of you inclined to pray... please pray for us.
Thank you

There's no way around it (grief, and leaving the community)

Things have started to settle down a bit, so I've been better able to think through everything, and all the changes I've experienced. It all kind of hits me in waves. Life is just disillusioning sometimes. Grief comes, as it should; can't be avoided without detriment. I haven't purposely avoided it, of course, but I've often succeeded at keeping the pain at bay by staying very preoccupied with everything... and there is so much to preoccupy anybody, anytime.  Especially mothers. Especially, having moved to a whole new place....

Leaving the community has proved to be like breaking up with someone you really loved, who was just bad for you. You know the break up was necessary and at first you are somewhat glad to escape, though stung and disoriented. A while goes by (weeks, months) and you really miss them when you remember the good times, and then you are deeply saddened it just couldn't work. You feel empty and the weight of the sadness can't be denied. You're disconnected from everything. Not just your past, but even the present. It's like you're floating around in your own bubble of a planet. And you are definitely an alien (with stunted feelings). It makes you want go back to your familiar planet, but you know there's no real way.

CS Lewis says grief is like fear (in A Grief Observed)- An apprehension and anxiety, maybe dread. And it makes sense- your world is turned upside down again. Which way is up is hard to say. For me the haunting "pain" might lift on a good day, once the grief has had some release. Lewis says grief is also circular, you revisit it. You go back to a place of agony that seems too familiar, but he says it's not quite the same "landscape". It sure feels just as bad though, if not worse. I hate how repetitive grief is and how exhausting... You realize the only way out is to go through the dark maze. You may get reprieves, but the beast has to run it's full course. Who knows when it will end, and hence the fear, I suppose. Sometimes everything is a chore. The sting is beyond the surface, not too far, even on days when all really does seem well, and like the beast is finally gone. That's always my mistake- I tend to think "it's really gone this time." Maybe never in this life, is actually more the truth. A hard lesson to learn.

I loved and still love many people there at the community. I don't know what to write to them or say to them. They want me back and I can't go back. The relationship has died. What can I do? The only way they could see I care is if I return... It's just so messed up.

And so I take one day at a time and try to do what I need to, rest when I can, enjoy what I can, weep when I can... I'm trying to look the beast in the eye. It won't let up, really. I'm trying to just accept it for what it is and know no on can escape grief unharmed.

Suckered...?

Okay, so I am back in "the real world" now, where, yes, there is much deception, but also much truth and beauty and many wonderful truth-seekers and children of God.
I am out of the Twelve Tribes Community and so I deleted my previous post. I had enough. It was essentially not what it claimed and that took a while to see. Their claims of themselves are greatly disproportionate to the realities there. This was sad for me to swallow. There are some good, kind people there, but it does NOT measure up, at all, to all their lofty claims.
I wouldn't say I was completely "suckered," I wanted something different than the rat race and I did get it. I experienced a simpler existence in many ways. I sort of went back in time and made some new friends, many of which may sadly no longer consider me a friend... But such is the nature of the beast and controlling systems that I always seem to end up in, in some desperation for normalcy, whatever that means.
I don't mean to make light of a very difficult situation and transition. I am picking up the pieces that were there before I even left.
I am asking myself, what is it that I am really longing for?
I think these are definitely in there:
A simpler life.
Enduring friendships.
More meaningful connections for our family.
Being closer to the earth and it's bounty.
And
Warmer weather and better scenery... if these could also be granted

I don't think I am asking too much, but these things are a bit elusive these days, I have to admit. I got to work outside quite a bit while I was there, especially in the summer. And that is just part of what I need, a closeness to creation.
I don't think I'm so different from anyone else. My aspirations are not so high except that I can be very impatient in attaining them and so I can make rash, hasty decisions.

But more deeply, there is healing ahead for me... I think the journey home can often be treacherous for all of us, especially in these times. But there is light and love to be known along the way, even if it is in tiny snippets sometimes. I will hold to these for now and press on. I will keep my hope firm.

This is a season of deep thought for me, of re-integrating with my purpose and Creator. Reintegrating within myself, in a sense.

I am glad to be back. I don't know where the wind will take us next, but I know who will be with us...