Things have started to settle down a bit, so I've been better able to think through everything, and all the changes I've experienced. It all kind of hits me in waves. Life is just disillusioning sometimes. Grief comes, as it should; can't be avoided without detriment. I haven't purposely avoided it, of course, but I've often succeeded at keeping the pain at bay by staying very preoccupied with everything... and there is so much to preoccupy anybody, anytime. Especially mothers. Especially, having moved to a whole new place....
Leaving the community has proved to be like breaking up with someone you really loved, who was just bad for you. You know the break up was necessary and at first you are somewhat glad to escape, though stung and disoriented. A while goes by (weeks, months) and you really miss them when you remember the good times, and then you are deeply saddened it just couldn't work. You feel empty and the weight of the sadness can't be denied. You're disconnected from everything. Not just your past, but even the present. It's like you're floating around in your own bubble of a planet. And you are definitely an alien (with stunted feelings). It makes you want go back to your familiar planet, but you know there's no real way.
CS Lewis says grief is like fear (in A Grief Observed)- An apprehension and anxiety, maybe dread. And it makes sense- your world is turned upside down again. Which way is up is hard to say. For me the haunting "pain" might lift on a good day, once the grief has had some release. Lewis says grief is also circular, you revisit it. You go back to a place of agony that seems too familiar, but he says it's not quite the same "landscape". It sure feels just as bad though, if not worse. I hate how repetitive grief is and how exhausting... You realize the only way out is to go through the dark maze. You may get reprieves, but the beast has to run it's full course. Who knows when it will end, and hence the fear, I suppose. Sometimes everything is a chore. The sting is beyond the surface, not too far, even on days when all really does seem well, and like the beast is finally gone. That's always my mistake- I tend to think "it's really gone this time." Maybe never in this life, is actually more the truth. A hard lesson to learn.
I loved and still love many people there at the community. I don't know what to write to them or say to them. They want me back and I can't go back. The relationship has died. What can I do? The only way they could see I care is if I return... It's just so messed up.
And so I take one day at a time and try to do what I need to, rest when I can, enjoy what I can, weep when I can... I'm trying to look the beast in the eye. It won't let up, really. I'm trying to just accept it for what it is and know no on can escape grief unharmed.