Wednesday, December 31, 2008

War... ( I'm not sure what to call this)

I have so many things running through my head... I am seeing all sorts of things, but it's just glimmers-- portions, fragments, slivers, half dreams. It's taking form but it's also blurry. It's all in the forefront, as when I wake from a dream, and it's dying for some expression. There's some mystery and some clarity and it's all just a face of it all. But an essence. I am not going to try to make sense here to any rational mind. I am appealing to something deeper. I will try to convey it in time, and as it shows itself to me. I can't package it all rationally and neatly right now.

How is the false mother really false, how do you know?
On how it treats it's wounded, not the wounded "out there" but all the bleeding and wounded inside of it. A"system" can never love people. It is a non-entity, a dead thing. It is people who love people that are the real thing, the body of Christ, and that is the only place where healing is found, in wiping one another's wounds, carefully, fearfully, passionately, oh so patiently, never abandoning, getting back up to the task again and again as long as we have breath. Never abandoning. Oh, the
wounds of abandonment out there. oh...
I am so tired of people who think they are not in any way wounded or broken. It is sad. I have been shot and wounded with the contempt of those who think they are so together, almost killed-- It's a lie.
Have I been part of those who do the shooting? No, not intentionally. But no, it is never intentional, is it? Then what is it but an evil lull of a sleep. And how is that any less wrong, when we can chose to be awake? God forgive me for any small part in this; I think it is a serious and despicable thing. To be awake is not for cowards. To love is not for cowards nor the selfish.
To love is truly a God thing, a battle, where you get really wounded and there is no denying that. It is a battle, where blood is lost and gained. A battle we will ultimately win. Love has won only as it is winning through us today, only as we stumble along with our lovely weapons. It will win; it will win; he has won. But we are Him and the battle still rages. Like they say, what does not kill you makes you stronger. Have you tasted death for Love? Keep on and pray that i do too. There is such a thing as lovely weapons in a certain realm. And they don't kill. No they don't. They may wound but not harm. So, you see, it's not so bad to be wounded. Jesus was wounded. He was wounded and still strong. He loves the wounded so much.
The song I wrote "Holding out" is somewhere along these lines

It's not about me or you alone, it's about all of us together... conquering evil together, never alone.... But if we are too sacred to get wounded and shot down then we are already losing ground and soul, losing humanity. We can and ought to encourage one another daily to love and good deeds. Tend to the wounded, so they can get back up and fight. We are in a war. We are in a serious war, let's not be deluded. The battle doesn't end in this life. There are times of rest and refreshment, but the war ensues.

I am but learning and I am thankful, even for some of the wounds, if not all. And I am forever His, part of his family. He will come for us, He will come-

("Sacred" on the paragraph before the last one was a typo for scared, but I kept it because it really fits)


Sue said...

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

I just LOVED that typo. It fits perfectly :)

I love portions, fragments, slivers, half dreams. It is disorientating to have them 'come through' in that way, but necessary, methinks. Shows that it is stuff that is sinking down deep into your soul :)

Manuela said...

Yeah to slivers and dreams being brought to the forefront! : )

Manuela said...

Maybe I can call this post Beautiful War (that sounds so appalling in a way. But appalling isn't always bad...)

Nicole said...

When you mentioned Holding Out... I had to go back and listen to it as I read the remaining of this post! Wow, deep pondering thoughts! Dreams are like that, very scetched but, I know Father has a reason for them. Is it to reach us from the inside out? Sometimes it is so confusing to tell what dreams are from him or the evil one... I guess they don't call that spiritual warfare for nothing. Still searching for deeper meanings!

Thank you for this!

jON said...

yes, i very much DO think this is what i was talking about before i "left." and this is your part of it. i still think we have very similar gifts in terms of receiving flashes and flickers to be searched out.

i am so proud of you! this was one of my first and best "deconstruction" lessons the spirit ran me through. notice yourself. pay attention to who you are and what you do and the echoes that it sends throughout the world. as well as following ghandi's advice, "be the change you wish to see in the world."

do you know how many problems could be alleviated in the world if everyone decided to become the type of people they wish everyone else would be? and what i mean is that it is easy to sit around and blame the state of things on "other people" who don't live in selfless and generous ways. too often we want others to notice our pain and salve our wounds, but do we do the same for others when we see them hurt? being willing to look in the mirror and "make that change" (as michael jackson challenged us to do 20 years ago) is, in my opinion, the first step on a real embracing and engaging of life.

until you reach this moment, real life doesn't begin. it is just imaginary human systems of thinking and living distracting us from the fact that we are very big hypocrites. but when we DO come to this point of reckoning, that is when the real life begins, and we get let in on the secret of the god life. it IS a war. and in war, you can get hurt. you can even die.

but once you see, you can't start "unseeing", you know? damn you, red pill!!!!

Manuela said...

hey jON! thanks for this feeback! i do love that Ghandi quote, and also the Michael that stayed w/me :)
True, "once you see, you can't start 'unseeing'."
Do we get stronger as we get more vulnerable? In many ways, yeah, I think so. oh, the paradoxes :)