Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Confusion...then grace

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I was truly confused for most of the day, with some very tiny glimpses of clarity and hope. Listening to the latest Free Believers podcast REALLY helped me in knowing I'm not alone at feeling like I don't really have to have the answers anymore.

I have spent so long fighting and serving within the institution, I don't even know how to live outside of it. I was used to being "different" and misunderstood, maybe I thrived in it. Now I feel like a fish out of water. It feel like the guy from the Matrix right when he gets snatched out of the matrix and has to undergo the change ( it kicks his butt...but ultimately it makes him stronger). I think part of my struggle is I know my issues with guilt... based on my upbringing, etc. It's a process, like my friend Kent has said, "getting the institution out of you." I always felt like I had to "do" so much... I definitely had spread myself too thin. But this is still my issue, even as I am outside of the institution. There are a lot of things to juggle, still, especially being a mom and I want to be led more from God's spirit of grace (rest) and less from fear. Does this mean I'm a total mess? Not totally. Well, we're all a mess in one way or another, but we are all also full of beauty and hope. I can only rest my head in His merciful love.
My issues are my blind spots which only he knows how to remove, with so much grace. He uses His body to build up and love (becasue we all get blind spots by the way- that's why we need each other). This transition out of the IC has brought up some of my wounds and issues once more, but now I feel more hopeful that there can be some real healing, where the system just beat me up some more. That's what false religion does to people-- it puts heavy, heavy burdens on them...
Yeah, I'm shedding that whole yoke off!

This morning I was broken about my part in serving the system as well, and all Father did was give me grace.... (He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble). Sometimes we are proud because we are so hurt we don't even know how to let go...

But letting go is where it's at, isn't it? -and- Perfect love casts out fear

5 comments:

Kent said...

Now Manuela, that sounds like a big step towards freedom from where I am viewing it. It also made me think of something Walter Brueggemann helped me to understand about the process.

Orientation...Disorientation...Reorientation. The Psalms are full of it and it is a process the system usually causes us to abort and then in ignorance teaches us to avoid and run from.

The Spirit never gives up in leading us to this place/doorway and as you read in The Shack maybe your number was 1555 different moments having been lead to that door only to turn away or maybe be pulled away by others and Father knew on the 1556 time you would take a step through that doorway. It is for freedom that he set us free and he longs for us to find the rest he has made available for us.

Sue said...

I love that Kent mentioned Brueggemann's three step dance :)

I have been trying to remind myself of all of this stuff in the area of creativity. I feel like I am stepping forward into an unknown territory, and because it's a bit scary I keep falling back into thinking that it's some sort of linear progression. But it's MUCH more mysterious than that. It's so weird, because I don't even really want it to be a dull, linear, 439 step plan to ultimate growth and perfection in God :) This way is much more disorienting but it's so REAL! And the best part is how God leads - I don't get left behind as he drags me into where he wants me to be. The pace we get to go at is the pace I need to go at.

It's very cool. But disorientating.

But then reorientating :)

Manuela said...

Kent,
Thanks- and for sharing these GREAT insights from Brueggemann and The Shack!

Sue,
Creating art can often be like a beautiful dance where someone else is leading (in art it's some inner voice), and you don't know where you're going, but it's happening, even when nothing is happening...
I need to think of my deal in the same way :)

Amy said...

Manuela,
My dearest friend...beautifully honest and open blog. Good stuff.
I am praying for you (and I MEAN that).
I love what you said here:
"Does this mean I'm a total mess? Not totally. Well, we're all a mess in one way or another, but we are all also full of beauty and hope. I can only rest my head in His merciful love.
My issues are my blind spots which only he knows how to remove, with so much grace. He uses His body to build up and love (becasue we all get blind spots by the way- that's why we need each other)."

Amen!

Blessings,
~Amy :)
http://amyiswalkinginthespirit.blogspot.com

Manuela said...

THANKS Amy! You are such and encourager-
Praying for your weekend with your folks
:)