War... ( I'm not sure what to call this)

I have so many things running through my head... I am seeing all sorts of things, but it's just glimmers-- portions, fragments, slivers, half dreams. It's taking form but it's also blurry. It's all in the forefront, as when I wake from a dream, and it's dying for some expression. There's some mystery and some clarity and it's all just a face of it all. But an essence. I am not going to try to make sense here to any rational mind. I am appealing to something deeper. I will try to convey it in time, and as it shows itself to me. I can't package it all rationally and neatly right now.

How is the false mother really false, how do you know?
On how it treats it's wounded, not the wounded "out there" but all the bleeding and wounded inside of it. A"system" can never love people. It is a non-entity, a dead thing. It is people who love people that are the real thing, the body of Christ, and that is the only place where healing is found, in wiping one another's wounds, carefully, fearfully, passionately, oh so patiently, never abandoning, getting back up to the task again and again as long as we have breath. Never abandoning. Oh, the
wounds of abandonment out there. oh...
I am so tired of people who think they are not in any way wounded or broken. It is sad. I have been shot and wounded with the contempt of those who think they are so together, almost killed-- It's a lie.
Have I been part of those who do the shooting? No, not intentionally. But no, it is never intentional, is it? Then what is it but an evil lull of a sleep. And how is that any less wrong, when we can chose to be awake? God forgive me for any small part in this; I think it is a serious and despicable thing. To be awake is not for cowards. To love is not for cowards nor the selfish.
To love is truly a God thing, a battle, where you get really wounded and there is no denying that. It is a battle, where blood is lost and gained. A battle we will ultimately win. Love has won only as it is winning through us today, only as we stumble along with our lovely weapons. It will win; it will win; he has won. But we are Him and the battle still rages. Like they say, what does not kill you makes you stronger. Have you tasted death for Love? Keep on and pray that i do too. There is such a thing as lovely weapons in a certain realm. And they don't kill. No they don't. They may wound but not harm. So, you see, it's not so bad to be wounded. Jesus was wounded. He was wounded and still strong. He loves the wounded so much.
The song I wrote "Holding out" is somewhere along these lines

It's not about me or you alone, it's about all of us together... conquering evil together, never alone.... But if we are too sacred to get wounded and shot down then we are already losing ground and soul, losing humanity. We can and ought to encourage one another daily to love and good deeds. Tend to the wounded, so they can get back up and fight. We are in a war. We are in a serious war, let's not be deluded. The battle doesn't end in this life. There are times of rest and refreshment, but the war ensues.

I am but learning and I am thankful, even for some of the wounds, if not all. And I am forever His, part of his family. He will come for us, He will come-

("Sacred" on the paragraph before the last one was a typo for scared, but I kept it because it really fits)

Spiritual warfare?

When does one come to the conclusion that it is Satan who is oppressing versus it just being stuff we need to go through? Where and how do you draw the line? Can a line even be drawn? Anyone's thoughts out there on this?
I've had an extremely difficult day in more ways than I can explain right now, and I'm feeling cornered and oppressed in many ways. I don't know what is going on. I could use some of your prayers out there. I really could.
Also, what do you think on this topic? How do we battle the powers of darkness..., how do we identify them...? It doesn't always seem so clear cut, does it?
I know God can and does deliver... but sometimes he tarries or is it us who tarry in taking our authority against the forces of evil, or in asking for intercession? Do these evil powers just leave us be when we don't rock the boat at all? Just some thoughts. Is it that we either work for God or for evil? Is there middle ground?
Anyone care to share... any wisdom or experience? I'm not trying to over-spiritualise everything... I'm trying to make sense of what's going on. I'm not giving a lot of details because, well, they are too personal right now and could potentially be misconstrued.
Those of you who know me and love me, please pray for me. Thank you.

My music

Friends,

Okay, a few of my songs are on Myspace now... finally! You can listen at

www.myspace.com/manuelarutledge

and leave me a comment here or over there if you'd like...

We're off to Chicago tomorrow for a little trip...

Peace, love and joy to you these holidays

May you catch a fresh glimpse of him who came for us... everyday

Intrusion

I wrote this poem, as also a reminder to my own soul. It involves a process I often go through, of finally embracing the sadness and what I feel to be true (as hard as it may be), and then watching grace overcome me again, in her own unforeseen way... I think, also, the process of embracing the sadness, is Grace herself, keeping me alive and well. She is mysterious indeed, but very good in every way.

------

Intrusion

Fight the lull everyone
all those shiny gifts
ain't gonna fill your soul
all this running around
is worth nothing
when you leave love
out the back door

What are you running after,
what is it all for?
All the family laughter
that echoed in the young hearts
is now forlorn
when bones are sullen at the core,
can't beckon their return
cause you're innocent no more

Don't fight the sadness
don't fight it anymore--
it's the river that is honest,
the only satin cord
amidst all this intrusion
of what you call your home

and once your tears unfold
ensuing the unknown
you'll taste and you will see
the love that you have sworn,
in unexpected hours and unexpected dawns

you will call on your beloved
in incandescent tones
you will swear you are your loved one's
and he forever yours

they may say I feel too to deeply
things that just aren't so
but I will say that
they're just pining for a world
that will be torn
all on it's own

Oh, to really give back

The holidays are not the only time to give back. For me, the winter holiday apathy creeps up it's ugly head almost every year (all the pointless, obligatory activity can snatch at us and lull us to sleep). I think, do we really need so much more stuff, when there are orphans barely getting a meal all over Africa or Russia, or when there are little girls being sold for sex in mass quantities...?

Unfortunately the holidays can too easily become a distraction from real living; not that they have to be. We have a choice in the matter. What choices am I making?
Last month I wrote this to some new friends, after reflecting on my need to give back:

Our world is in such mess in so many ways. It's so important to want to be part of fighting for justice for the oppressed, hungry and enslaved... through the love of Christ in us. His love compels us, and strangely and surprisingly we can find our own emancipation in helping others. I think it's because we are all interconnected in some way, part of one another.

Thinking back on it, we all suffer because of the mess the world is in. I for one, can put forth some effort in giving back, rethinking my holiday present giving. I'm not saying I'm against holiday gift giving at all. I for one like giving and receiving genuine gifts. My friend Nicole really blessed us with an awesome package, and we really NEEDED the scarves and hats she got my daughter! Her gift was amazing and from the Holy Spirit in so many ways. Gifts are good when they are fueled by love, rather than pointless obligation, to keep up appearances, or maintain old traditions that are perhaps in desperate need to be changed...!
But back to what I was getting at, I want to really make a difference for those who have no voice, especially children; who doesn't? They are part of us and we can't ignore them. "Wanting" to do something is not enough. What stops us from fighting against injustice? There are many forces pining for our time, and so many distractions (I think especially during holidays; I can really hate them sometimes. It's a love-hate relationship...)

So these holidays, the needy can't fall by the wayside while we accumulate more crap that is just hard to keep track of (I'm speaking for myself. What do I really need...?)
Father help us look to the needs that are much greater than ours.

God is the one who seasons our heart to love, but we must respond before we are lulled into a dreary sleep. He whispers little ideas of how to make a difference, but we too easily forget or ignore

Oh, to really give back...

Here's some sobering facts from Love146 Statistics:

Trafficking in persons is modern-day slavery, involving victims who are forced, defrauded or coerced into labor or sexual exploitation.

United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF) now believes that the number of children trafficked annually is around 1.2 million. (2006)

It is estimated that two children per minute are trafficked for sexual exploitation.

Annually, according to U.S. Government-sponsored research completed in 2006, approximately 800,000 people are trafficked across national borders, which does not include millions trafficked within their own countries. Approximately 80 percent of transnational victims are women and girls and up to 50 percent are minors. The majority of transnational victims are females trafficked into commercial sexual exploitation. (2007 Trafficking in Persons Report, U.S. State Department)

It is estimated that at least 27 million people are currently enslaved around the world, many who have been enslaved through being trafficked. This is more than double the number of Africans enslaved during the Trans-Atlantic slave trade.

The U.N. and other experts estimate the total market value of illicit human trafficking at $32 billion - about $10 billion is derived from the initial "sale" of individuals, with the remainder representing the estimated profits from the activities or goods produced by the victims of this barbaric crime. (UNODC)

These numbers make trafficking in persons the second most lucrative crime in the world. The first is drug trafficking. (Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, 2006).

About $28 billion of this is generated from commercial sexual exploitation. (International Labor Organization)

The organization to End Child Prostitution, Child Pornography and Trafficking in Children for Sexual Purposes believe that 45,000-50,000 persons are trafficked into the U.S. each year, 15,000 of them are children. (ECPAT-USA)

Common methods of trafficking:
- physical force
- coercion (debt relief for family, job, marriage, etc.)
- physical and emotional abuse
- threats against self and family
- passport theft

these statistics were copied from here: Love146

their home website is www.love146.org

My story

(okay, this is very long and may need to be read in separate chunks.. : ) )

Most every family has some form of dysfunction or other it seems. Well, in my experience, this is all I've ever known. Sure, some families "seem" like they are healthy and even believe themselves to be, but that does not necessarily mean that they are. When I was in high school, my family looked picture perfect on the outside to many a casual observer. But that was far from the truth. Let me set the stage for what came to be.

When I was in 6th grade living in Buenos Aires, Argentina, my mom told me that her cancer, which she had vehemently fought a few years prior, had returned. She told me they had given her 6 months to live. My father and her decided it would be best to move permanently to the states, where she could get the best treatment and perhaps survive. So we moved here, first to Arizona and two years later to Colorado. It was a very difficult time, especially to be uprooted from all my family, friends and what was familiar. I watched my mother deteriorate, becoming addicted to painkillers (morphine) and I don't blame her for that. I watched her slowly die over a period
of almost three years. She was at home for most of that time. Sometimes under the care of a visiting relative or nurse, but often under our inadequate care (my brother and I's). I was fourteen when she died, my brother eleven. My father worked long and late hours to be able to afford her very expensive treatments, We went from a life of wealth, to one of lack in many ways. Not by any means utter poverty, but just a significant change for us-- we couldn't afford to get furniture among other things, but that didn't really faze my brother and I much. We wanted and believed our mom would live.
Most of this time, we were greatly unsupervised under the circumstances. Money was short to pay for much additional care. Thankfully my grandma came for a good part of my mom's last year and that brought me some real comfort. But unfortunately, she had to leave following my mom's passing and she herself died shortly after.
The reality is that from twelve on, I pretty much had to fend for myself, and having been molested as a young girl once, I did not have good sexual boundaries. I wasn't taught well how to respect myself. The incident had happened by a stranger and my mother didn't know how to handle it, so she didn't really believe me and didn't speak about it ever again, to anyone. This was very damaging to me and prepped me for more abuse, unfortunately. (I know, sadly, this is all t0o common for so many girls, but the effects are detrimental...)

So did God abandon me? I thought he had. I thought he flat out hated me. Did I really know God back then? No I did not. So I looked for love in all the wrong places. I was exploited in many ways. I lost my voice. I fought for a long time before I lost it. I fought with my dad, trying to get love and affection from him. I yelled and screamed. But he too was dead in many ways.
He had sought comfort in the arms of a "strange" woman shortly after my mom's death. It wasn't even 6 months of her leaving when he remarried.
I was desperate for this woman to accept me and she too exploited me and whatever was left of our family. She took as much of my dad's money as she could, along with his self-respect. Do I think my dad was a victim? No I don't. I think he made poor choices for all of us, many of which he has not taken responsibility for. He treated me very poorly from the time of my mom's passing on; I was the scapegoat for all his rage, as was my brother. We were both abused by him physically and emotionally. He was legally charged for one of the times he beat my brother. In desperation I called the police on him. Somehow the charges were eventually dropped, though he would do it again... So as you can see, my dad was a very sick man, and in many ways he still is. He wants to pretend everything is fine to this day. He is now living a lie with a new woman that he started seeing shortly after he ended with Linda (my first step-mother). He claims to have found God and uses him to hide from our past. Has he ever taken responsibility for his abandonment or abuse. No he hasn't. He cares too much about his image and the lies he believes about himself. He is a "successful" man, a doctor, a "minister", a wealthy man. He was just a victim. So all is seemingly well in his world.
In my neediness I played his game for too long, until I woke up to his deception and manipulation once and for all. He exploited me too. He is self-deceived. He has made that choice. I have tried confrontation, only to be either accused myself or totally disregarded.... It has not been easy

Anyway, there's a lot more to this story, which is to be continued....

I just want to add that it was at 19 years of age that I finally met Jesus; five years after my mother died. He hadn't abandoned me, like I believed he had. No, he had his eye on me. He came for me when I was ready to see him. He chose me as his very own. And I tasted real love and there has been no going back. How could I, He truly saved me.
I no longer see myself controlled by my circumstances. I have been redeemed from the destructor. There has been real healing and abundant hope. It has been (and is) a process, sometimes very painful, but well worth it. What's been said is right-- if we can't embrace the pain and the truth, then we will not heal, and we will not really experience love. Life is about learning to suffer well because our ultimate reward is not of this world. We don't look for suffering, it finds us; and what we do with it makes all the difference in the world. I am learning this more and more. I fail, a lot, just like you, but I know there is grace there to help me get up and do what is good. With God's help, I can only extend this same grace to those who have wronged and abused me. It is up to them whether they will embrace it... and I pray they do.
In many serious cases, it takes time, it takes distance, it takes separation. I don't think these are incompatible with love.

We the abused are also called to respect ourselves as we do others. When you've been bashed half your life, you sort of forget that you are worthwhile. But Jesus is sure to remind us!!! If I have failed, I have also failed at loving me in a healthy way, respecting my needs and limitations.

Thanks for reading. Your comments are welcome.