I just ran across this... It looks like the longer version, very encouraging. I'm really coming to understand that life is indeed about learning how and when to let go (especially as a mother)... that's why we need our heavenly Father so much...
It really is a wonderful poem. Check it out here
http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html
( by the way, I'm not endorsing the site above. Don't really know much about it, I just liked that particular page...)
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
It has been so hard (more Twelve Tribes stuff)
My daughter, who is 5 and1/2, liked many of the same things I did about the community, plus I really protected her a lot from the nonsense when it became more apparent to me (see my post about leaving the Twelve Tribes, if you're lost). But she misses it, she constantly brings things up. She misses being around people in community all the time, especially the children. She misses her friends. Many things there were fun for her, and a lot of things became "normal" for us. I'm trying my best here for us to branch out, but she's skittish and timid now, more than before. She questions everything. And I don't blame her. I question a lot too. I can understand how it could be confusing for her.
I'm afraid the community influenced her more than I wish, and that she was indoctrinated wrongly some, being so impressionable. I feel terrible about this. I don't want her to be confused. She is already shy by nature. She is so smart, and children are sponges. I know it influenced me more than I wish, especially while I was there. We LIVED with these people for almost 10 months, so how could it not!?
I need time to deal with all of it, but it's hard to find the time. Life is just demanding right now and we need some support. I really haven't talked to too many people about it. It's hard to know how. It's stressing me out. For those of you inclined to pray... please pray for us.
Thank you
I'm afraid the community influenced her more than I wish, and that she was indoctrinated wrongly some, being so impressionable. I feel terrible about this. I don't want her to be confused. She is already shy by nature. She is so smart, and children are sponges. I know it influenced me more than I wish, especially while I was there. We LIVED with these people for almost 10 months, so how could it not!?
I need time to deal with all of it, but it's hard to find the time. Life is just demanding right now and we need some support. I really haven't talked to too many people about it. It's hard to know how. It's stressing me out. For those of you inclined to pray... please pray for us.
Thank you
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Facebook...(expanded)
Everywhere I go, people seem spread too thin, in one way or another. Not to mention online. I refuse to get facebook for this reason. It seems so shallow. I know maybe it's not always totally shallow. I guess it is what you make it. But most people have made it pretty dumb and superficial. What else could it be when you only communicate in short phrases and with pictures that show, maybe, 2% of anyone's current reality, if that. Maybe it serves as a way for people to fool themselves into believing their lives are so great... I fail to see how anyone's life could really be that great these days, with the world we are living in. Maybe life is good sometimes. Maybe there are some redeeming qualities here and there, but, come on, lets get real...
For me, writing and blogging have much more depth. Do I feel "left out" because I haven't joined the facebook bandwagon. Sometimes. But I feel this is unfair, really. Are my friends forgetting about me because they don't "see" me on facebook (because I didn't join like everybody-else-is-doing-it) Isn't this kind of, um, well, high-schoolish?
Are we to join every new trend, so as not to be left behind. This reveals more about the sickness of our culture than anything else. That's why I'm not doing it. We don't have a big flat screen TV either (among MANY other things that most people believe you just have to have, like everybody else....) I'm not gonna get one just cause everyone else is doing it... Man, the stupid pressures out there! Do we critically think about these things? The trends are growing and changing exponentially. And we're all suckers for them (many are slaves to them). The demands are increasing, but most people's paychecks aren't.... But, nevertheless most people will sacrifice a lot to keep up. Why? Because of fear... fear to not fit in. Fear of being different.( But I say it's good to be different.) Social pressure is the biggest kind of pressure, because we are social creatures... And lets not forget that the word "culture" begins with the world "cult." I don't know if this is accurate etymology (need to look into it more), but it makes one wonder...?
Tell me, have all these "advancements" improved our quality of life?
The evidence is quite the contrary.
For me, writing and blogging have much more depth. Do I feel "left out" because I haven't joined the facebook bandwagon. Sometimes. But I feel this is unfair, really. Are my friends forgetting about me because they don't "see" me on facebook (because I didn't join like everybody-else-is-doing-it) Isn't this kind of, um, well, high-schoolish?
Are we to join every new trend, so as not to be left behind. This reveals more about the sickness of our culture than anything else. That's why I'm not doing it. We don't have a big flat screen TV either (among MANY other things that most people believe you just have to have, like everybody else....) I'm not gonna get one just cause everyone else is doing it... Man, the stupid pressures out there! Do we critically think about these things? The trends are growing and changing exponentially. And we're all suckers for them (many are slaves to them). The demands are increasing, but most people's paychecks aren't.... But, nevertheless most people will sacrifice a lot to keep up. Why? Because of fear... fear to not fit in. Fear of being different.( But I say it's good to be different.) Social pressure is the biggest kind of pressure, because we are social creatures... And lets not forget that the word "culture" begins with the world "cult." I don't know if this is accurate etymology (need to look into it more), but it makes one wonder...?
Tell me, have all these "advancements" improved our quality of life?
The evidence is quite the contrary.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Anger is not a sin- Part 1 (some thoughts on anger)
I know I'm really coming to accept this more and more in myself and I'm thankful for that. Anger doesn't have to feel so scary and dangerous (granted-we are not to be violent or harmful with it of course). Anger needs to be accepted and expressed. But more importantly, we need to accept ourselves in our anger.
Anger is just a part of life. And the more scared we are of it, the more angry we become, insidiously- quietly growing more and more angry inside. I know this all too well.
In religious circles, or dysfunctional settings, it's like the unpardonable sin to "slip into anger." By the time most people become aware of their anger in these settings, they are actually enraged (from so much repressed anger) and then this anger does indeed feel scary.... It's just such a sick cycle. I think maybe also general anxiety is because of repressed anger. They say depression is anger turned inward.
So what's the healthy way to deal with anger? I want to explore this more... I know for women anger can be much less acceptable (because culture subtly says --"it's not woman-like or attractive for women to be angry." That's a double whammy. So more guilt can be piled on souls who need some healthy release...
There is plenty in life to be angry about. I'm not endorsing rage sprees or anything like that. But I am endorsing the reality of daily dealing with anger and frustration, and yes, even bitterness.
These days I mostly do allow myself to express my "negative" feelings, if just to myself and God... But sometimes I still feel guilty for having such feelings. I don't know why. I do know that anything else apart from being real about where we are and what we feel eventually leads to more sickness and dysfunction/ destructiveness. So I vent my true feelings even if at first it feels wrong. (I vent them in a safe place first, not just to anybody!) I was taught to hide the real me from an early age. It' s taking me my whole life to accept myself.... Not that I'm completely there, but getting a bit closer.
So I'm still learning....Plus I still have to contend with my moods (not to mention my hormonal moods), which CAN make me mean at times. I can get ugly and I begin to wonder what it is sometimes...? Is it repressed anger? So I allow myself to just feel what I feel and control the urge to actively hate everybody.
Can I forgive myself for letting my anger get the best of me? Can I forgive others? I can (with God's help). And I think that's the only way to move forward. A little at a time. And if there's a lot of feelings that need to be worked through, then that's alright too. There is grace for that.
Anger is just a part of life. And the more scared we are of it, the more angry we become, insidiously- quietly growing more and more angry inside. I know this all too well.
In religious circles, or dysfunctional settings, it's like the unpardonable sin to "slip into anger." By the time most people become aware of their anger in these settings, they are actually enraged (from so much repressed anger) and then this anger does indeed feel scary.... It's just such a sick cycle. I think maybe also general anxiety is because of repressed anger. They say depression is anger turned inward.
So what's the healthy way to deal with anger? I want to explore this more... I know for women anger can be much less acceptable (because culture subtly says --"it's not woman-like or attractive for women to be angry." That's a double whammy. So more guilt can be piled on souls who need some healthy release...
There is plenty in life to be angry about. I'm not endorsing rage sprees or anything like that. But I am endorsing the reality of daily dealing with anger and frustration, and yes, even bitterness.
These days I mostly do allow myself to express my "negative" feelings, if just to myself and God... But sometimes I still feel guilty for having such feelings. I don't know why. I do know that anything else apart from being real about where we are and what we feel eventually leads to more sickness and dysfunction/ destructiveness. So I vent my true feelings even if at first it feels wrong. (I vent them in a safe place first, not just to anybody!) I was taught to hide the real me from an early age. It' s taking me my whole life to accept myself.... Not that I'm completely there, but getting a bit closer.
So I'm still learning....Plus I still have to contend with my moods (not to mention my hormonal moods), which CAN make me mean at times. I can get ugly and I begin to wonder what it is sometimes...? Is it repressed anger? So I allow myself to just feel what I feel and control the urge to actively hate everybody.
Can I forgive myself for letting my anger get the best of me? Can I forgive others? I can (with God's help). And I think that's the only way to move forward. A little at a time. And if there's a lot of feelings that need to be worked through, then that's alright too. There is grace for that.
Monday, May 24, 2010
There's no way around it (grief, and leaving the community)
Things have started to settle down a bit, so I've been better able to think through everything, and all the changes I've experienced. It all kind of hits me in waves. Life is just disillusioning sometimes. Grief comes, as it should; can't be avoided without detriment. I haven't purposely avoided it, of course, but I've often succeeded at keeping the pain at bay by staying very preoccupied with everything... and there is so much to preoccupy anybody, anytime. Especially mothers. Especially, having moved to a whole new place....
Leaving the community has proved to be like breaking up with someone you really loved, who was just bad for you. You know the break up was necessary and at first you are somewhat glad to escape, though stung and disoriented. A while goes by (weeks, months) and you really miss them when you remember the good times, and then you are deeply saddened it just couldn't work. You feel empty and the weight of the sadness can't be denied. You're disconnected from everything. Not just your past, but even the present. It's like you're floating around in your own bubble of a planet. And you are definitely an alien (with stunted feelings). It makes you want go back to your familiar planet, but you know there's no real way.
CS Lewis says grief is like fear (in A Grief Observed)- An apprehension and anxiety, maybe dread. And it makes sense- your world is turned upside down again. Which way is up is hard to say. For me the haunting "pain" might lift on a good day, once the grief has had some release. Lewis says grief is also circular, you revisit it. You go back to a place of agony that seems too familiar, but he says it's not quite the same "landscape". It sure feels just as bad though, if not worse. I hate how repetitive grief is and how exhausting... You realize the only way out is to go through the dark maze. You may get reprieves, but the beast has to run it's full course. Who knows when it will end, and hence the fear, I suppose. Sometimes everything is a chore. The sting is beyond the surface, not too far, even on days when all really does seem well, and like the beast is finally gone. That's always my mistake- I tend to think "it's really gone this time." Maybe never in this life, is actually more the truth. A hard lesson to learn.
I loved and still love many people there at the community. I don't know what to write to them or say to them. They want me back and I can't go back. The relationship has died. What can I do? The only way they could see I care is if I return... It's just so messed up.
And so I take one day at a time and try to do what I need to, rest when I can, enjoy what I can, weep when I can... I'm trying to look the beast in the eye. It won't let up, really. I'm trying to just accept it for what it is and know no on can escape grief unharmed.
Leaving the community has proved to be like breaking up with someone you really loved, who was just bad for you. You know the break up was necessary and at first you are somewhat glad to escape, though stung and disoriented. A while goes by (weeks, months) and you really miss them when you remember the good times, and then you are deeply saddened it just couldn't work. You feel empty and the weight of the sadness can't be denied. You're disconnected from everything. Not just your past, but even the present. It's like you're floating around in your own bubble of a planet. And you are definitely an alien (with stunted feelings). It makes you want go back to your familiar planet, but you know there's no real way.
CS Lewis says grief is like fear (in A Grief Observed)- An apprehension and anxiety, maybe dread. And it makes sense- your world is turned upside down again. Which way is up is hard to say. For me the haunting "pain" might lift on a good day, once the grief has had some release. Lewis says grief is also circular, you revisit it. You go back to a place of agony that seems too familiar, but he says it's not quite the same "landscape". It sure feels just as bad though, if not worse. I hate how repetitive grief is and how exhausting... You realize the only way out is to go through the dark maze. You may get reprieves, but the beast has to run it's full course. Who knows when it will end, and hence the fear, I suppose. Sometimes everything is a chore. The sting is beyond the surface, not too far, even on days when all really does seem well, and like the beast is finally gone. That's always my mistake- I tend to think "it's really gone this time." Maybe never in this life, is actually more the truth. A hard lesson to learn.
I loved and still love many people there at the community. I don't know what to write to them or say to them. They want me back and I can't go back. The relationship has died. What can I do? The only way they could see I care is if I return... It's just so messed up.
And so I take one day at a time and try to do what I need to, rest when I can, enjoy what I can, weep when I can... I'm trying to look the beast in the eye. It won't let up, really. I'm trying to just accept it for what it is and know no on can escape grief unharmed.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Moved to the Southwest!
It has been quite a ride... We are still getting settled. I love the desert, the terrain, the palm trees, the sun, the cool nights, the sounds, the wildlife, the thorny flowers. It's refreshing in it's own deserty way.
I hope to be able to write more as things get settled, it has been very busy.
I know some of you have probably been wondering what happened to me. So yes, I moved west, and... it does suit me better. It suits our family better, although it's a big change on a lot of levels. I like the adventure of it, and mostly the nature walks!
Cactus flower outside our patio area
I hope to be able to write more as things get settled, it has been very busy.
I know some of you have probably been wondering what happened to me. So yes, I moved west, and... it does suit me better. It suits our family better, although it's a big change on a lot of levels. I like the adventure of it, and mostly the nature walks!
Cactus flower outside our patio area
Friday, March 12, 2010
Moving sale!
Our indoor moving sale went great! Thanks to friends and answered prayers! I really felt supported. We sold a lot of stuff, for dirt cheap- it was wonderful. We had so many people come through our door.
It was lovely to experience community outside of any religious pressure whatsoever. We saw many of our neighbors we hadn't seen in a while, old friends, and just nice down to earth folks, who aren't trying to impress anybody. It was refreshing, because I hadn't experienced "community" since leaving the Twelve Tribes community. I've gone from living with 35+ people for 10 months, to virtual isolation and it has been challenging (I needed the time alone, though...). But today I saw that you don't necessarily have to move in with folks, you just need to be friendly and stuff happens...
After today, I feel more like myself, I talked with many folks... Real, intelligent, hard-working people. Our real estate agent stopped by and stayed with his daughter for almost two hours! Today I went from bleary eyed, sleep deprived apprehensive sales lady, to happy neighborly friend in less than 1 hour (coffee included). I'm thankful.
- My new motto is: Have a yard sale, welcome all you wonderful neighbors- near and far. Get to know them on their terms, you'll learn a lot. Your neighborhood is bigger than you think and has many hidden treasures- they come out for yard sales and bad economy.
Part too of the sale is tomorrow, or today, rather. Tomorrow I will try and post some pictures...
It was lovely to experience community outside of any religious pressure whatsoever. We saw many of our neighbors we hadn't seen in a while, old friends, and just nice down to earth folks, who aren't trying to impress anybody. It was refreshing, because I hadn't experienced "community" since leaving the Twelve Tribes community. I've gone from living with 35+ people for 10 months, to virtual isolation and it has been challenging (I needed the time alone, though...). But today I saw that you don't necessarily have to move in with folks, you just need to be friendly and stuff happens...
After today, I feel more like myself, I talked with many folks... Real, intelligent, hard-working people. Our real estate agent stopped by and stayed with his daughter for almost two hours! Today I went from bleary eyed, sleep deprived apprehensive sales lady, to happy neighborly friend in less than 1 hour (coffee included). I'm thankful.
- My new motto is: Have a yard sale, welcome all you wonderful neighbors- near and far. Get to know them on their terms, you'll learn a lot. Your neighborhood is bigger than you think and has many hidden treasures- they come out for yard sales and bad economy.
Part too of the sale is tomorrow, or today, rather. Tomorrow I will try and post some pictures...
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