War... ( I'm not sure what to call this)

I have so many things running through my head... I am seeing all sorts of things, but it's just glimmers-- portions, fragments, slivers, half dreams. It's taking form but it's also blurry. It's all in the forefront, as when I wake from a dream, and it's dying for some expression. There's some mystery and some clarity and it's all just a face of it all. But an essence. I am not going to try to make sense here to any rational mind. I am appealing to something deeper. I will try to convey it in time, and as it shows itself to me. I can't package it all rationally and neatly right now.

How is the false mother really false, how do you know?
On how it treats it's wounded, not the wounded "out there" but all the bleeding and wounded inside of it. A"system" can never love people. It is a non-entity, a dead thing. It is people who love people that are the real thing, the body of Christ, and that is the only place where healing is found, in wiping one another's wounds, carefully, fearfully, passionately, oh so patiently, never abandoning, getting back up to the task again and again as long as we have breath. Never abandoning. Oh, the
wounds of abandonment out there. oh...
I am so tired of people who think they are not in any way wounded or broken. It is sad. I have been shot and wounded with the contempt of those who think they are so together, almost killed-- It's a lie.
Have I been part of those who do the shooting? No, not intentionally. But no, it is never intentional, is it? Then what is it but an evil lull of a sleep. And how is that any less wrong, when we can chose to be awake? God forgive me for any small part in this; I think it is a serious and despicable thing. To be awake is not for cowards. To love is not for cowards nor the selfish.
To love is truly a God thing, a battle, where you get really wounded and there is no denying that. It is a battle, where blood is lost and gained. A battle we will ultimately win. Love has won only as it is winning through us today, only as we stumble along with our lovely weapons. It will win; it will win; he has won. But we are Him and the battle still rages. Like they say, what does not kill you makes you stronger. Have you tasted death for Love? Keep on and pray that i do too. There is such a thing as lovely weapons in a certain realm. And they don't kill. No they don't. They may wound but not harm. So, you see, it's not so bad to be wounded. Jesus was wounded. He was wounded and still strong. He loves the wounded so much.
The song I wrote "Holding out" is somewhere along these lines

It's not about me or you alone, it's about all of us together... conquering evil together, never alone.... But if we are too sacred to get wounded and shot down then we are already losing ground and soul, losing humanity. We can and ought to encourage one another daily to love and good deeds. Tend to the wounded, so they can get back up and fight. We are in a war. We are in a serious war, let's not be deluded. The battle doesn't end in this life. There are times of rest and refreshment, but the war ensues.

I am but learning and I am thankful, even for some of the wounds, if not all. And I am forever His, part of his family. He will come for us, He will come-

("Sacred" on the paragraph before the last one was a typo for scared, but I kept it because it really fits)

Spiritual warfare?

When does one come to the conclusion that it is Satan who is oppressing versus it just being stuff we need to go through? Where and how do you draw the line? Can a line even be drawn? Anyone's thoughts out there on this?
I've had an extremely difficult day in more ways than I can explain right now, and I'm feeling cornered and oppressed in many ways. I don't know what is going on. I could use some of your prayers out there. I really could.
Also, what do you think on this topic? How do we battle the powers of darkness..., how do we identify them...? It doesn't always seem so clear cut, does it?
I know God can and does deliver... but sometimes he tarries or is it us who tarry in taking our authority against the forces of evil, or in asking for intercession? Do these evil powers just leave us be when we don't rock the boat at all? Just some thoughts. Is it that we either work for God or for evil? Is there middle ground?
Anyone care to share... any wisdom or experience? I'm not trying to over-spiritualise everything... I'm trying to make sense of what's going on. I'm not giving a lot of details because, well, they are too personal right now and could potentially be misconstrued.
Those of you who know me and love me, please pray for me. Thank you.

My music

Friends,

Okay, a few of my songs are on Myspace now... finally! You can listen at

www.myspace.com/manuelarutledge

and leave me a comment here or over there if you'd like...

We're off to Chicago tomorrow for a little trip...

Peace, love and joy to you these holidays

May you catch a fresh glimpse of him who came for us... everyday

Intrusion

I wrote this poem, as also a reminder to my own soul. It involves a process I often go through, of finally embracing the sadness and what I feel to be true (as hard as it may be), and then watching grace overcome me again, in her own unforeseen way... I think, also, the process of embracing the sadness, is Grace herself, keeping me alive and well. She is mysterious indeed, but very good in every way.

------

Intrusion

Fight the lull everyone
all those shiny gifts
ain't gonna fill your soul
all this running around
is worth nothing
when you leave love
out the back door

What are you running after,
what is it all for?
All the family laughter
that echoed in the young hearts
is now forlorn
when bones are sullen at the core,
can't beckon their return
cause you're innocent no more

Don't fight the sadness
don't fight it anymore--
it's the river that is honest,
the only satin cord
amidst all this intrusion
of what you call your home

and once your tears unfold
ensuing the unknown
you'll taste and you will see
the love that you have sworn,
in unexpected hours and unexpected dawns

you will call on your beloved
in incandescent tones
you will swear you are your loved one's
and he forever yours

they may say I feel too to deeply
things that just aren't so
but I will say that
they're just pining for a world
that will be torn
all on it's own

Oh, to really give back

The holidays are not the only time to give back. For me, the winter holiday apathy creeps up it's ugly head almost every year (all the pointless, obligatory activity can snatch at us and lull us to sleep). I think, do we really need so much more stuff, when there are orphans barely getting a meal all over Africa or Russia, or when there are little girls being sold for sex in mass quantities...?

Unfortunately the holidays can too easily become a distraction from real living; not that they have to be. We have a choice in the matter. What choices am I making?
Last month I wrote this to some new friends, after reflecting on my need to give back:

Our world is in such mess in so many ways. It's so important to want to be part of fighting for justice for the oppressed, hungry and enslaved... through the love of Christ in us. His love compels us, and strangely and surprisingly we can find our own emancipation in helping others. I think it's because we are all interconnected in some way, part of one another.

Thinking back on it, we all suffer because of the mess the world is in. I for one, can put forth some effort in giving back, rethinking my holiday present giving. I'm not saying I'm against holiday gift giving at all. I for one like giving and receiving genuine gifts. My friend Nicole really blessed us with an awesome package, and we really NEEDED the scarves and hats she got my daughter! Her gift was amazing and from the Holy Spirit in so many ways. Gifts are good when they are fueled by love, rather than pointless obligation, to keep up appearances, or maintain old traditions that are perhaps in desperate need to be changed...!
But back to what I was getting at, I want to really make a difference for those who have no voice, especially children; who doesn't? They are part of us and we can't ignore them. "Wanting" to do something is not enough. What stops us from fighting against injustice? There are many forces pining for our time, and so many distractions (I think especially during holidays; I can really hate them sometimes. It's a love-hate relationship...)

So these holidays, the needy can't fall by the wayside while we accumulate more crap that is just hard to keep track of (I'm speaking for myself. What do I really need...?)
Father help us look to the needs that are much greater than ours.

God is the one who seasons our heart to love, but we must respond before we are lulled into a dreary sleep. He whispers little ideas of how to make a difference, but we too easily forget or ignore

Oh, to really give back...

Here's some sobering facts from Love146 Statistics:

Trafficking in persons is modern-day slavery, involving victims who are forced, defrauded or coerced into labor or sexual exploitation.

United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF) now believes that the number of children trafficked annually is around 1.2 million. (2006)

It is estimated that two children per minute are trafficked for sexual exploitation.

Annually, according to U.S. Government-sponsored research completed in 2006, approximately 800,000 people are trafficked across national borders, which does not include millions trafficked within their own countries. Approximately 80 percent of transnational victims are women and girls and up to 50 percent are minors. The majority of transnational victims are females trafficked into commercial sexual exploitation. (2007 Trafficking in Persons Report, U.S. State Department)

It is estimated that at least 27 million people are currently enslaved around the world, many who have been enslaved through being trafficked. This is more than double the number of Africans enslaved during the Trans-Atlantic slave trade.

The U.N. and other experts estimate the total market value of illicit human trafficking at $32 billion - about $10 billion is derived from the initial "sale" of individuals, with the remainder representing the estimated profits from the activities or goods produced by the victims of this barbaric crime. (UNODC)

These numbers make trafficking in persons the second most lucrative crime in the world. The first is drug trafficking. (Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, 2006).

About $28 billion of this is generated from commercial sexual exploitation. (International Labor Organization)

The organization to End Child Prostitution, Child Pornography and Trafficking in Children for Sexual Purposes believe that 45,000-50,000 persons are trafficked into the U.S. each year, 15,000 of them are children. (ECPAT-USA)

Common methods of trafficking:
- physical force
- coercion (debt relief for family, job, marriage, etc.)
- physical and emotional abuse
- threats against self and family
- passport theft

these statistics were copied from here: Love146

their home website is www.love146.org

My story

(okay, this is very long and may need to be read in separate chunks.. : ) )

Most every family has some form of dysfunction or other it seems. Well, in my experience, this is all I've ever known. Sure, some families "seem" like they are healthy and even believe themselves to be, but that does not necessarily mean that they are. When I was in high school, my family looked picture perfect on the outside to many a casual observer. But that was far from the truth. Let me set the stage for what came to be.

When I was in 6th grade living in Buenos Aires, Argentina, my mom told me that her cancer, which she had vehemently fought a few years prior, had returned. She told me they had given her 6 months to live. My father and her decided it would be best to move permanently to the states, where she could get the best treatment and perhaps survive. So we moved here, first to Arizona and two years later to Colorado. It was a very difficult time, especially to be uprooted from all my family, friends and what was familiar. I watched my mother deteriorate, becoming addicted to painkillers (morphine) and I don't blame her for that. I watched her slowly die over a period
of almost three years. She was at home for most of that time. Sometimes under the care of a visiting relative or nurse, but often under our inadequate care (my brother and I's). I was fourteen when she died, my brother eleven. My father worked long and late hours to be able to afford her very expensive treatments, We went from a life of wealth, to one of lack in many ways. Not by any means utter poverty, but just a significant change for us-- we couldn't afford to get furniture among other things, but that didn't really faze my brother and I much. We wanted and believed our mom would live.
Most of this time, we were greatly unsupervised under the circumstances. Money was short to pay for much additional care. Thankfully my grandma came for a good part of my mom's last year and that brought me some real comfort. But unfortunately, she had to leave following my mom's passing and she herself died shortly after.
The reality is that from twelve on, I pretty much had to fend for myself, and having been molested as a young girl once, I did not have good sexual boundaries. I wasn't taught well how to respect myself. The incident had happened by a stranger and my mother didn't know how to handle it, so she didn't really believe me and didn't speak about it ever again, to anyone. This was very damaging to me and prepped me for more abuse, unfortunately. (I know, sadly, this is all t0o common for so many girls, but the effects are detrimental...)

So did God abandon me? I thought he had. I thought he flat out hated me. Did I really know God back then? No I did not. So I looked for love in all the wrong places. I was exploited in many ways. I lost my voice. I fought for a long time before I lost it. I fought with my dad, trying to get love and affection from him. I yelled and screamed. But he too was dead in many ways.
He had sought comfort in the arms of a "strange" woman shortly after my mom's death. It wasn't even 6 months of her leaving when he remarried.
I was desperate for this woman to accept me and she too exploited me and whatever was left of our family. She took as much of my dad's money as she could, along with his self-respect. Do I think my dad was a victim? No I don't. I think he made poor choices for all of us, many of which he has not taken responsibility for. He treated me very poorly from the time of my mom's passing on; I was the scapegoat for all his rage, as was my brother. We were both abused by him physically and emotionally. He was legally charged for one of the times he beat my brother. In desperation I called the police on him. Somehow the charges were eventually dropped, though he would do it again... So as you can see, my dad was a very sick man, and in many ways he still is. He wants to pretend everything is fine to this day. He is now living a lie with a new woman that he started seeing shortly after he ended with Linda (my first step-mother). He claims to have found God and uses him to hide from our past. Has he ever taken responsibility for his abandonment or abuse. No he hasn't. He cares too much about his image and the lies he believes about himself. He is a "successful" man, a doctor, a "minister", a wealthy man. He was just a victim. So all is seemingly well in his world.
In my neediness I played his game for too long, until I woke up to his deception and manipulation once and for all. He exploited me too. He is self-deceived. He has made that choice. I have tried confrontation, only to be either accused myself or totally disregarded.... It has not been easy

Anyway, there's a lot more to this story, which is to be continued....

I just want to add that it was at 19 years of age that I finally met Jesus; five years after my mother died. He hadn't abandoned me, like I believed he had. No, he had his eye on me. He came for me when I was ready to see him. He chose me as his very own. And I tasted real love and there has been no going back. How could I, He truly saved me.
I no longer see myself controlled by my circumstances. I have been redeemed from the destructor. There has been real healing and abundant hope. It has been (and is) a process, sometimes very painful, but well worth it. What's been said is right-- if we can't embrace the pain and the truth, then we will not heal, and we will not really experience love. Life is about learning to suffer well because our ultimate reward is not of this world. We don't look for suffering, it finds us; and what we do with it makes all the difference in the world. I am learning this more and more. I fail, a lot, just like you, but I know there is grace there to help me get up and do what is good. With God's help, I can only extend this same grace to those who have wronged and abused me. It is up to them whether they will embrace it... and I pray they do.
In many serious cases, it takes time, it takes distance, it takes separation. I don't think these are incompatible with love.

We the abused are also called to respect ourselves as we do others. When you've been bashed half your life, you sort of forget that you are worthwhile. But Jesus is sure to remind us!!! If I have failed, I have also failed at loving me in a healthy way, respecting my needs and limitations.

Thanks for reading. Your comments are welcome.

"...Coming round right"

Simple Gifts by Elder Joseph

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

'Tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right.

This song has been speaking to me for a long time now. When Maggie was first born it was on one of her lullabye CDs... I had heard it before but hadn't really listened till then...

From WIKIPEDIA: "It was written by Elder Joseph while he was at the Shaker community in Alfred, Maine in 1848...." "It has endured many inaccurate descriptions. Though often classified as an anonymous Shaker hymn or as a work song, it is better classified as a dance song."

I couldn't find a version I quite liked to share here, no version that you could dance to, anyway...so I'm gonna do my own version...Coming up soon with perhaps some of my other songs...
Working on it friends

How to rest...

When you are used to always trying to do something, to help someone, or be someone, it's hard to learn to be still and wait. It's not easy to really listen.
Maybe if you really don't "feel'" it, then you don't need to force yourself to do anything. Maybe it means you need to rest ...
Perhaps everything you've been taught isn't true. Actually I can assure you that not everything we've been told and taught is true. There is a difference between God's voice and man's voice. Can you tell the difference?

Jesus says

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 17:28-29

Some things just need to get done, I know. But how much of what we're doing really needs to be done? What is compelling us? What is most important, really?

"Save you"

By Matthew Perryman Jones- (I think he rocks!)

What makes someone "A Star" (Part 1)

Little Maggie may be starting dance classes, so yesterday we went to go buy her ballet/dance outfit. The dressing rooms at the snazzy dance store we landed on were labeled "little star," "star," and I think one said "diva." I happened to tell her what the dressing rooms said as we went into "little star," and she kept asking, "but why." I pretty much kept answering, "just because, just because..." I didn't know what to say at the time, plus the whys are non-stop sometimes. You really do have to be God in order to answer even half of them...

The next day, we were at the park. It was a breath-taking glorious fall day, one I could feel and thank God for (sigh). Anyway, as she was swinging, out of nowhere she said, "I'm going to be the best 'little star' in my ballet class, the best dancer." I paused this time-- I'm pretty sure the dressing rooms had something to do with that, in addition to her common desire to be great... It's hard being a parent. It really is. Your heart is in your mouth half the time as it is. You are constantly faced with so many choices and you never even realized how much you could love another human being (and to think God loves us better than any mother does her child). Not to mention the fact that this world is so backwards and twisted in what it values and that it's everywhere. I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell her what I thought a real "star" is. So I told her it was someone who was a good friend, someone with love (the real Jesus) in their heart...

Wouldn't the world be a great place if everyone wanted to be this kind of "star" versus being great, famous, important, most talented or the best? Honestly, I think it is the greatest aspiration anyone could have and that so very few have. What if it truly was the highest aspiration of all and what did make someone a star in this world. I think that's when we would know we are in heaven.
If we look back on our lives, we know that our "stars" are those who have been our true friends, who've stuck by is at our lowest, or who gave us hope and joy as a surprise gift, just when we needed it.

So I say "a star" is someone who is truly a good friend, to me that's all there is to it. My daughter seemed to get it....
In the great scheme of things what else really matters? What else will last?
Here's to the real Stars! (cheers)

Maggie turned 4!

Our lovely little girl turned four on Oct.14th. What a happy, happy day it was when you were born!!!

To Maggie from momma:

Innocent eyes grace the sights
with wonder, hope and delight
With tender caution,
an open heart
to learn what's true
and what is right
To drink in love
that she may know
the Strength who
holds tomorrow
The Hand so good to hold

Joy, joy, joy
and hope is in your eyes
Let me kindle what is right.
I will love you all my days
from each moment to always

WE LOVE YOU MAGGIE!!!

This mad world

God is amazing. He is. His peace returns to me and he tells me not to worry so much... I love his word and how it ministers to my thirsty soul.

I know life can be and is so hard for many of us, it is. This does NOT mean we are out of God's will, to the contrary, I think. I'm talking specifically about about how we, his little children, ultimately not of this world, happen to live in it-- this crazy place ruled mostly by greed. It's the way it is and so it's grievious and affects us all in one way or another. Greed is the reason this country's financial structure is collapsing. It' s part of the world's evil within, you know, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life... It is not of the Father... so it can't stand.
How do we make it in such a greedy, status based world?
By not succumbing to these things of the world. He who is in us is greater than he who is of the world. We overcome by the blood of the lamb, by Christ in us.
It's okay to be sad with the state of things... but we can overcome, together. That's not to say we won't suffer. It's not about being at ease--

Psalm 73:12
This is what the wicked are like—
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

So it's not about being carefree, but about having peace despite the trials. The bible says many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him from them all...
The Lord is our light and our salvation.
I wanted to write this because many of us deal and are dealing with opposition and trials. We suffer down here. Jesus said in this world we will have tribulation, but to be of good cheer for he has overcome the world.
We need to keep lifting one another up, through prayer and living in love, not in the things of the world.
God help us.
He has and He will- that's his promise, through His word...

Matthew 6:33 (New International Version)
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Be done away

This is a song I'm writing. I wrote the lyrics first this time, which is unusual for me. My poems tend to be lyric because I'm mostly a songwriter, for those of you who didn't know and were just dying to know : ) ?!

************
Be done away

The surrender is worth it,
every time
the unraveling so fearful, when the ancient walls come
tumbling down
you see you are dust
dust like flames
yet dust nonetheless

the faulty foundations lose their footing
and the crumbling comes
torn to the core
and terrified for a
moment

you're dust like flames
but dust nonetheless
and for an instant
all is meaningless

but it's a groaning
we must all feel
a groaning that will return
a groaning giving way
to something real
and then
one day
be done away

Everyone has a fishing story...

Here's mine...

Caught this baby without trying, really. First one in our whole group to make a catch. I was the total rookie, mind you.
To start, I cast my line in way too far (I'm such a rookie, I had to ask my husband how to say this) and caught a stick off the edge. Then I got my hook tangled on a rope by the pier we were on, and just as I untangled it and it finally went in the water, something started pulling on my pole really hard! All this occurred in like less than like two minutes.... When I felt the pull I completely FREAKED out. I didn't know what it was. Yes, it was my first time catching a fish (I think I'd only really fished one other time and I remember having a horrible phobia of hooks when I was little. The other time I fell in the lake and took my fishing buddy down with me. It was not warm out, so that pretty much ended our little fishing outing)
My husband would not help me pull the fish in, though I begged. He really wanted me to do it. I didn't know what to do. It was a strong little guy. Well, not so little, really. I couldn't roll him in. I think the proper word is "reel" him in.
Eventually I just pulled him in somehow, in total fear and shock (see top picture, not very graceful)

It was all very awkward and wonderful and it made my day. Really, I praised God that I caught this small-mouthed bass! It was a like a little gift from Jesus, the master fisherman.
Right before I decided to try to fish, I remember thinking that it seemed kinda boring and pointless (sorry Jesus). Where's the appeal? Now I kinda get it. I think I would LOVE fly-fishing, though.
So, that's me with the beauty.... Of course, we put her back after we all pet her. My daughter was mesmerized by the whole experience and would not stop boasting about my catch, as if my gloating wasn't enough.
That day I overcame my fear of fishing hooks and fish (not the worms). I still won't eat fish, but I will touch them when they're alive. They're kinda cute.

(I wrote this two months ago when I got back from Lake of the Ozarks where this catch occurred...got distracted and never posted it until now...)

Shortly after our trip, we bought our first pet fish for our daughter Maggie. We named him swimmy. I'm very fond of fish now. Well, there actually is one kind of fish I will eat-- canned chunk tuna. But only because I was tricked by my parents into eating it as a child (they told me it was a mayonnaise "sauce"). I ate this "sauce" unawares for several years and grew to like it... I still eat it drenched in mayo.

Healing post # 2 (modified)

I wrote this on the comments below, about showing one another our wounds. I modified it a bit here so it wouldn't be misconstrued...

Yeah, not easy, first of all to admit stuff to ourselves... It took me a long, long time... to really face how I'd been abused and even some of the whys (not that it was my fault). It turned my whole world upside down and shook it severely, fiercely. I didn't know who I was and I was very mad to say the least. Emotionally and even physically, I felt like I was gonna die. And there is still residue... it's SUCH a process. Whew, for sure!
There's so much shame and guilt tied to sexual abuse, no wonder most have such a hard time admitting it to themselves, let alone sharing it and grieving. Actually, I think this is the case for any form of abuse. But in the light of love, each of us can face painful realities (but only in the light of love). And in this light we can heal one another. (We are the hands and feet of Jesus...)
I think we each sort of sense when we are in a safe place to reveal our wounds. In relationship, it's a process. We don't bear everything at once. (I've shared too much of my wounds before to the wrong folks... but I guess we learn through trial and error. God still had my healing in mind, even if in my need I trusted too much, foolishly. He's just amazing.

... I can look back and say he's held me through some horrible storms, so I can only believe he will yet hold me, hold me forever.

Healing

There is no healing without showing one another our wounds, without tenderly tending to one another's wounds.

Maybe more to follow : )

these words have been swimming through my head for a week....

...great quote

As I've mentioned before, I love Scott Peck books.
Here's a quote by him that I got on a church bulletin, from a sermon. I've heard it said said that if you are truly looking for God, you can find him anywhere. I know this is true, but sometimes, in certain places, we don't find him as we would have liked or even thought. This is not to say he isn't good...
Anyway, here's the quote:

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." -M. Scott Peck

The Mothership...

My good friend Sue wrote a shiny, brilliant post today-
Here's a little excerpt:

"The Mothership seems to find it terribly difficult to accept our tarnished parts. Unless it's in tightly controlled love sessions from 7.30-9 on a Wednesday evening when we're talking about X Problem, but make sure you've got it together by Sunday. If we take longer than is deemed appropriate to get rid of the rust - well, there is something wrong with us..."

Check it out- here

Anger...

-I edited this post because I wrote it on the fly yesterday (we were heading out to go apple-picking) and when reading it again, some things didn't entirely sound the way I meant them to at all, and I also needed to expound. Sorry about that to those who happened to read it...
____________________________________

Last week I listened to a great podcast at Free Believers (see sidebar to link) about spiritual abuse...
A few comments stayed with me (these aren't word for word):

-all too often in the IC (institutional church) you are only allowed to have two emotions- happy and maybe sad
-saying you're bitter is like using the "F" word in the IC (he cracks me up)- but it's really okay to be mad at the way the system messes with good people (how can you not be "bitter" at it)

*************
People in the IC are way too scared to admit they are angry at the abuses done, it's true. It's considered a sin to mention anything negative that happened to you within church. So they stuff it, suppress it, put on a happy face.... Enough is enough. Let's be real. We are not machines!

Another emotion that is allowed in the system, and expected, is FEAR. Be sure you have it, but don't show it too much. Geez!! CRAZINESS (been there)
I think anger is stuffed the most and then turned inward it can become self-contempt (e.g - "I am so bad for being bitter at these things that are "great" and supposedly helping people") This is so awfully destructive-- you start to feel guilty for having a whole normal range of human emotions. It begins by denying your thoughts and perceptions, and then, subsequently, your feelings as well. The contempt follows. This has been my experience, anyway.

Nowhere, in my understanding of the bible, does it say that we should not be angry at wrongs done, rather, it says that in our anger we ought not to sin:
Eph 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry...
Psalm 4:4
In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Selah

To me this shows that God expects us to feel and acknowledge our anger, especially to him, otherwise he wouldn't say to "search our hearts..." I think God cares very much about our emotional health. He's the one who gave us these thoughts and emotions that make us human. People will say we need to submit it all to him, but how can we even do that if we are stuffing all our feelings? It's too easy to get out of touch with what's really going on inside... Then we become mechanical in our "religion" and it's not real... and we suffer for that.

I have been afraid, as I have left the IC to name all the unhealthy things I was subjected to... It feels wrong, they trained me well unfortunately. But I'm outgrowing this a bit at a time.
The last IC I went to was on the healthier side of the spectrum, but there was still a lot of nonsense there. I left a little over a month ago. There were some hurtful dynamics there and perhaps I saw them more than others because I had already been subjected to an very abusive "church" environment years previous, so I knew the signs. My heart was still raw and I'd been looking for a healthy environment.

Now I honestly believe that it is almost impossible for any IC to not be abusive on some level. The system sets even good people up to become arrogant. I've been around the block enough to confidently say that. Is that reason to completely stay clear? I don't know, I guess that's between each person and God. For me, I'd already been beat up enough and God opened the door and said I could leave. I also happen to think there is a better, healthier way... but it's a process-- It's not me signing up to a new church (no thank you)... it's about relationships and love and the Spirit leading. It's about walking by faith into the unknown, trusting God will provide. That's what I'm seeing-- it' s a new way to walk and in my spirit it feels right...
______________________________

What I mean by "the system" is any system, really, that tries to control people in one way or another. It's everywhere, but it should not be in the family, the home, or the church!! It is NOT God's nature. It isn't!

_____________________________

by the way, we have 10+ pounds of yummy hand-picked apples in our fridge now : ) I'm gonna go have one!

Feedback, please?

Lonely sigh

This lonely sigh
I breathed out
returned to me time
and again
I swelled up,
heaved

lost, like ashes
like feeble ashes I crumbled
bled out my shame
and bled out my name
for all to see
but none to see

and I'm so tired
for all this fighting

What's the use in making it all
pretty on the outside
what's the use
inside the blood swells
the bruises are there
what's the use
in anything
but crying

Let this dying run it's course
is all I feel
is all I don't feel
and this lonely sigh
is real

and oh,
Your noble wounds, You wore them on
your lovely wrists
for all to see You wore them
on Your brow
with love not shame
on your side

Are they so lovely
up there in heaven?
Up there where all is lovely
and takes your breath away

takes this sigh away

by Manuela R.
-----------------------------
I have battled clinical depression most of my adult life. This loneliness is a recurring transient state I can find myself in (no matter where I'm at in life).
Sometimes I dread her (loneliness). But sometimes I can see she is my friend, leading me to better unknown places.

It's level ground, baby!

I've always pretty much been the kind of person who is very (maybe too candid) about my weaknesses, questions, struggles, and failures because deep down I know these don't define me (I am loved and forgiven so why hide. Sometimes I figured-- well, if God says he loves me, then my brothers and sisters won't judge me-- WRONG!) This has played against me many, many times, as it gives the arrogant people of the world an opportunity to think (and act) as though they are better than me, and their job is to fix me or give me unsolicited advice. How very annoying this is. (Most of us know when we are being loved versus being judged!) When people do this they are not lifting up the dignity of another, but rather, putting the person in some kind of derogatory box, and themselves on a pedestal (who has the speck here, and who has the log). Putting people in a box is NOT loving them! This happens a lot in the IC (it's the nature of the system), but it also can and does happen everywhere.... it's human nature (sinful nature) to compare ourselves to others. In the comparison game someone is always better and someone is always worse off. This is so harmful within the body I think, where we're all in it together and all equally important, essential and needed. Somewhere it says that the least are greater... too. Maybe Jesus was referring to the humble as "the least." What do you think?

Well, I have a wonderful quote on my fridge that levels the ground for all us, no matter what we believe about ourselves:

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; we grow unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another." -Anais Nin

I think this is so true and why we need one another as well. But we can only help another if we are aware of our own weaknesses as well. Otherwise our pride will just blast harm on the person. We need to not be so hasty with our word or actions sometimes...

I can confidently opinionate (my made up word meaning - to firmly form an opinion) that everyone has failed in this or the world wouldn't be in the condition it's in.

God's showing me to just take ownership for my own shortcomings, regardless of what they are in comparison to anyone. I am not to look at the speck in my brothers eye and ignore my plank. (I am not saying I have a plank right now- I may or may not :) I'm just trying to make a point).

So what makes a person truly humble? In my opinion it is someone who is aware of their weaknesses and therefore they don't depend on themselves, but rather, on the Spirit...
Though we've been redeemed, I believe that our sinful nature is still at war with the Spirit now in our hearts, transforming us.

Your thoughts/ opinions are welcome, but NOT your assessments and judgements of me.

I hope to continue to be candid, regardless of the cost. Healing can only occur when you have a constant disposition to face the truth about yourself, in my opinion, in light of God's unconditional love...

Stray ponderings

Love is PATIENT

love is KIND

It is NOT RUDE

It is NOT SELF-SEEKING

WOW- I love the Word

oh, how we get tripped up sometimes and then dissatisfied
This country is too prosperity minded. Well, it's the world system under the dark prince. That's how he tries to trip us up:

" you are somebody now, you made money from your book"

"look at how gifted you are"

" you need to be somebody great"

" you need to be self-actualized in every way, you know, become super gifted at everything and supper beautiful-- shine, shine, shine)

"people are flocking to you, you must have all the answers"

" you should definitely charge $ for your 'love' services"

LIES LIES LIES, EMPTY LIES

I was just thinking of ways the dark prince tries to trip us up... (and has tripped up so many)

And it's all too much about those dollars sometimes, ain't it...?

But the Word says to seek first His kingdom, not making a name for ourselves, or making dough (cash), self-seeking.

We're all pressured under his lies...

Through Christ in us we can overcome and we do.
He alone is true fulfillment
We also need to pray for one another....overcoming together

this video is about a girl, I know, but it's also about LIES

Once- Lies

on Pagan Christianity (the book)

It's funny, right when God was really stirring me to leave the institutional church for good (mainly last month!- see my post below) my husband had checked out this book- Pagan Christianity- from the library. (Apparently it is a sort of sequel to George Barna's Revolution which I haven't read, but was warned about by a pastoral church person a few years back)
Anyway, I saw it lying downstairs on the couch, resting : ), and I thought, by the title, that it was probably gonna talk about how people who leave the church are pagans....(I thought- great, something else to try to make us feel guilty...) Well, I picked it up and read a big portion that night (couldn't put it down).
I was completely wrong. It was what I was needing to read... I've read almost all of it and it has been immensely helpful because it has solid historical evidence for why the IC is really a pagan way to try to "do" church. That's right, you heard me. That's their claim and it's backed up with cold hard facts! We, the IC exiters (not a real word), are NOT, for the most part, lost souls with no respect for church government, whatever that means...(you have to read the book to understand my sarcasm). We are Jesus lovers and truth lovers (you can't separate the two, really). I've heard there's over a million of us as well....

So, I strongly believe anyone raised in the "church" or now attending, needs to read this book, but especially those who are unsettled by the whole shabang.... or sincerely questioning it (and not guilting themselves out of their questioning). (I know, guilting is not grammatically correct. Quite frankly, this is probably my worst post to date, grammatically speaking. What can I say, I play with a three year old most of my days).

Anyway, reading this book will either severely shake your world or be like a breath of fresh air (or both) but you'll be better for it.... I believe I am (and I have a pretty critical mind, mostly, even if you can't tell from this post)

Note: Apologies to my readers for any brain or eye damage that may have been incurred by trying to read through all these parentheses, comas, fake words, and side notes within this combulation of words.

note #2: combulation is also not a dictionary word, but it really oughta be, don't you think?

Confusion...then grace

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. I was truly confused for most of the day, with some very tiny glimpses of clarity and hope. Listening to the latest Free Believers podcast REALLY helped me in knowing I'm not alone at feeling like I don't really have to have the answers anymore.

I have spent so long fighting and serving within the institution, I don't even know how to live outside of it. I was used to being "different" and misunderstood, maybe I thrived in it. Now I feel like a fish out of water. It feel like the guy from the Matrix right when he gets snatched out of the matrix and has to undergo the change ( it kicks his butt...but ultimately it makes him stronger). I think part of my struggle is I know my issues with guilt... based on my upbringing, etc. It's a process, like my friend Kent has said, "getting the institution out of you." I always felt like I had to "do" so much... I definitely had spread myself too thin. But this is still my issue, even as I am outside of the institution. There are a lot of things to juggle, still, especially being a mom and I want to be led more from God's spirit of grace (rest) and less from fear. Does this mean I'm a total mess? Not totally. Well, we're all a mess in one way or another, but we are all also full of beauty and hope. I can only rest my head in His merciful love.
My issues are my blind spots which only he knows how to remove, with so much grace. He uses His body to build up and love (becasue we all get blind spots by the way- that's why we need each other). This transition out of the IC has brought up some of my wounds and issues once more, but now I feel more hopeful that there can be some real healing, where the system just beat me up some more. That's what false religion does to people-- it puts heavy, heavy burdens on them...
Yeah, I'm shedding that whole yoke off!

This morning I was broken about my part in serving the system as well, and all Father did was give me grace.... (He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble). Sometimes we are proud because we are so hurt we don't even know how to let go...

But letting go is where it's at, isn't it? -and- Perfect love casts out fear

...The Shack

I finally finished reading The Shack. I took me a while, but I did it! I had to go slow cause there's A LOT to think on and and it was a bit scary to read of the tragedy to the protagonist's daughter (cause I have a little girl, similar age and she's my only) Well, I got over that hump, and other humps, and finished reading it. Wow, what an insightful and mind-bending book (in a good way). Definitely worth the read. There's so much you can say about it, but this really stayed with me:

"Sarayu interrupted him. "Mack if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again."

Yeah, I think it'a all about the "little" things-- a returned phone call, a blog comment or response : ), a smile, a checking in with someone, a kind word, a glass of water... I think, in the great scheme of things, "little" things must indeed matter the most.

Matthew 25:40
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Father, establish these things deep in my heart... I need you so much. Help me rest in You and stop trying to do it all at once. Help me know I don't have to do great things, just abide in You, worshipping You. You will show the way. Thank you for loving me and picking me up, everytime. I get so blind and You are so very kind... so very patient...

Leaving the Institutional Church

I am leaving the IC.
I need to say it, put it out there, confirm it. It's what God is doing in my heart, what He wants of me, not what I wanted in many ways. We had other plans but ultimately even these can't be fulfilled through the institutional church. Am I pursuing my own way? No. I'm walking out into the wilderness, sort of uncertain because I know a lot of misunderstanding will follow, maybe judgement... only God knows.
I need to count the cost and trust God will carry me if I need to walk alone (though I'm not really all alone) My husband is on the same page. He was never too excited about going back to the IC, but he supported me and the ways that I "served" in children's ministry and worship team. I stepped down from both of these, as much as I love music and kids, I needed a break anyway....
I think I get readers of all different walks so I think I need to define what I mean by the IC-- institutional church, just in case:
I define the IC as the system in which we do church that is not based on the heart of God in the scriptures. I don't mean the people, nor the body of Christ nor each individual member. I just think the way we "do" church gets in the way of "being" the church. There are just too many agendas and expected ways of doing things that prevent people from really experiencing fellowship and community, and using their gifts. It seems all too often only a designated few get to really share their gifts mostly because they are being paid to do so (especially in the context of the Sunday worship service which everything seems to revolve around). It's pretty backwards if you think about it. I know many people mean well and want to serve others and do. I know God can and does work through the system, but in my opinion, he works in spite of it (the IC system). Relationships can still be formed and people can maintain those and reach others if they chose. But all too often, people will only support each other if the other is also supporting the big "church" in some way-- supporting the big Sunday service, paying the tithe, or attending something whether or not you really need to be. It just runs too much like a business. God can still work through a business, but is that the way to do church? I really don't think so.
I realize parts of this may sounds blasphemous to some, because it's all they've ever known and haven't dared to question it.
I really believe it is not a sin to question the way we do things in light of the scriptures. I think we are called to do so. There comes a point when we have to be free to think for ourselves and do what the Holy Spirit is telling us whether or not a pastor, parent or leader agrees. Getting counsel is good, but we are only called to follow if it's what the Spirit is telling our own heart. No one else can replace the voice of the Spirit in our lives. I am thankful God showed me this earlier on as a new believer. This verse got imprinted it in my heart:
1 John 2:27
As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.
(it has helped in delivering me from a very cult-like congregation many years back, and all kinds of stuff). I just like how it says that His anointing teaches us about all things and that this anointing is real...it's just pretty cool. (I'm aware this verse can also be twisted for evil purposes, as can any verse, unfortunately)

So there you have it. I'm leaving the IC and I I'm at peace with it. This is a decision I have made on my own with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I haven't been "badly" influenced by anybody. I have found some great like-minded people along the way who can probably explain things much better than I regarding all this and expound on it a lot more. I will include some of them on my sidebar. I'm not saying I agree 100% with anyone in particular, but I've found them very encouraging and walking much closer to what I believe is the heart of the gospel. And I also have some great blogger friends who are on this same path of wanting to live out their faith with no restraints, friends who are loving without restraints... and this is evidence that we are on the right path (whether attending an IC or not)

The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.- Galatians 5

ill health

Pray for me cyber friends. As many of you know, I struggle with chronic fatigue issues and have bad days once in a while (as I did today)... My daughter was actually sick too with a cold, so we weren't too lovely of a sight (she was way lovelier than me). Maybe it's a cold that's making me sick.... It's hard to tell, I really don't know... still feel weak and gross. My brain is kinda mushed, too. I hate how it affects my outlook and it's so challenging to care for a three year old when I feel this way!!... It's very frustrating. I shouldn't even try to think when I feel so yucky. Everything looks Tales-from-the-darkside-gloomy (that was the most disturbing show ever, that i watched when I was way too impressionable). Anyway, today we watched Winnie the Pooh (for like 2 hrs!) and I can confidently say that EEyore's outlook was definitely better than mine...
I did play piano and sing for a while and that was a bit of a release of some sort, even though It was like an out of body experience at times.
Ohh God, have mercy on me...
I don't feel too happy with myself when I can't do much. I think sometimes I have a hard time giving myself a break... plus I'll get pretty cranky (to put it nicely). So, yeah, say a few words to Papa on my behalf, if anything, for my daughter and husband's sake... God have mercy on them!!
Yeah, I'll drag myself to the doctor when I have the desire and energy, meaning I'll probably wait till I feel better... I know, what's the point, right? (I told you my attitude sucks) I am, though, having my husband refill my asthma inhaler BEFORE I have another attack without one (no, I'm not intentionally suicidal, I just have way too much other stuff on my mind. I do realize oxygen helps you think more clearly so I am taking action on that end)
Okay, I'm gonna go rest and try to not feel guilty about it :)

On blogging, Satan, and blogging

Sometimes I don't want to blog. My questioning nature (sometimes bad attitude) says, this is stupid. What's the point? Am I having real relationships? Why am I doing it? I kinda like that I'm a questioner because I think it is important to want to know our motives for doing things. I also, though, believe Satan attacks my mind a lot with over-questioning myself and my motives sometimes, especially when I really need to do something that is good. He feeds on my perfectionism, which I'm in recovery of. He whispers things like," you have nothing worth while to say," "nobody cares," etc, etc. More and more I'm starting to recognise the ugly voice that tries to disguise itself as truth. It's very ugly, just puts you down. AND he's very persistent that's why I think God said--


1 Peter 5:8
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour...

Hebrews 3:13
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness...

pray for each other...

Gosh, we ALL need encouragement and support. We are a body- One body and can't function alone, we can't. We crave that fellowship with our bros and sis in our wonderful Father, Son and Spirit and we want to shed off the things that hinder that. ( I don't think blogging has been any hindrance for me in this)

Yeah, about blogging. It has really been a total blessing and God-send. People will say, "oh, well it's not real relationship."My response to that is, blogging in and of itself is not relationship, duh. It's a tool for sharing, much like letter-writing was and is. God communicates to us through his letters/writings and we can have a deep relationship with Him, even though it's not in physical form. After all, isn't it the Spirit that unites us, in Him.
So, i think blogging is wonderful. I have been able to meet very cool people who I've fellowshipped with in depth and joy. It has led to conversations also via phone, e-mail, IM and even in person and I can only hope for this to grow.

And I don't have to be perfect about it all( get behind me Satan).... Somebody's got my back : )

a rant and a prayer

I am SO sick of false religious bullshit-- fear, obligation, self-interest and rationalization- and using God to support man's twisted plans and agendas (even when they're "well-meaning" agendas). I am bone tired of all of it. I am shedding off any left-over residue in me, and shedding that whole yoke off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough- Galatians 5

Oh God, lead, in Your beauty and true strength
in your real love and grace
Let the Spirit lead. You are my teacher and friend
You alone are
It's not words that men say
it's a power that melts pride away
foolish pride melts away
I am your lover
You've loved me strongly, tenderly, and wiped off my wounds
There is no other
You alone are my teacher
my lover and friend

It's not just words on a page or words that men say
the words came alive
a power that melts the dark away

Secrets and confessions

My friend Sue made a confession on her blog today and I responded with my secret:

Sometimes I spontaneously play that "....I will be right here waiting for you" song by B Adams on the piano- (and I just don't know why!)
Never consciously thought I liked it. But the subconscious has it's secrets that the conscious cannot betray, though it tries.
Another secret: I loved the song-- "I hope you dance" for quite a while...

Confession breeds confession, it's so therapeutic

I've been reading and devouring Scott Peck's-- The Road Less traveled. I think the man is a genius. I've read this before years ago and I just keep going back to it. I'm also reading A different drum by him (again, genius) He talks a lot about the subconscious and how it has secrets that it wants to tell, that we often run from. He says that mental "illness" symptoms (i.e depression, anxiety) can sometimes be a grace from God, to show us that all is not well and that we shouldn't be so quick to medicate ourselves to just get rid of the discomfort. (He shows a great personal example) We're all too much about comfort here in the west, aren't we?
Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of things from my past and even present and I've been trying not to numb the discomfort. I decided to fast sweets and TV (perhaps a wimpy fast) to distract myself less. Have found pain in my heart is there, but also hope and joy. Sometimes more pain.
Yesterday, I couldn't help but cry in front of my daughter about something. She really questioned me about it....I didn't wanna cry in front of her about this. I just told her about that song by Over the Rhine "I cry just a little bit everyday...Get by just a little bit that way... and how everybody cries and then I thought of the REM song that is such a God-send (I will link it below.) If you're ever depressed or feel alone, listen to it**

Anyway, this has been a ramble of many things I've been thinking about that I haven't had time to share, cause I'm a full-time mommy. I need to find a way to write more... I love my daughter but I need more breaks.
Okay, there's some more things, but I'll ramble about them later

Here's the REM song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioAQTwc8Oas
(Michael Stype is a genius)

"God bless this mess"

Another cool song by Sheryl:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nalDfAP8IYY

I am not a die-hard Sheryl Crow fan, but she's got some really good songs... Yeah, God bless this mess

"Where has all the love gone"

great lyrics/ song...

Where Has All The Love Gone
by Sheryl Crow

Today I saw the strangest thing on the evening news
A man who wasn't sad at all about what's going on
And even though I'm trying to smile
With everything I see it could take a while

I've been looking everywhere I go
Where has all the love, where has all the love gone?
I've been looking all around to know
Where has all the love, where has all the love gone?

Yesterday I heard you say you never close your eyes
Sometimes the world's a scary ride, it's hard to hang on
Along the way we got off track
And if we turn around can we ever get back?

I've been looking everywhere I go
Where has all the love, where has all the love gone?
I've been looking all around to know
Where has all the love, where has all the love gone?

You say it was there when we were young
Today I saw a flag roll by on a wooden box
And if it's true we lost our way
Then what have we got?

Today I saw the strangest thing

Strep throat and the state of things

Today I found out I had strep throat, fun-fun. At least there was something observably wrong with me that could be treated; cause I felt so very crummy. I tried to shrug it off and set off to take my daughter to the Zoo. Thankfully she said she didn't want to go(!?) and so I faced the music and went to the doc. Once I found out I was officially sick I made sure to tell everyone I came accross. My denial turned into drama, quite quickly.
Isn't that how we work on so many levels. We know the world and many things aren't quite right, but we just continue to function or try to over-function, doing what we've always done. But the signals don't dissappear, do they? Have we settled for less than good health? Are we refusing to go to the doctor of our souls? Who is the only one who can bring real relief? Only Jesus. Only Abba. Only Spirit. He so wants to set us free (So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed- from John 8, what a cool chapter by the way) But do we chose bondage? Are we too scared to walk the path of the wind? Do we settle for control of our lives, stagnant predictability.
Lately I've been re-pondering the immensity of God, how much bigger he is than all that we know. How much more wonderful and how much more satisfying than we let him be, I believe. He's just bigger and can't be contained. He busts right out of our little boxes. He'll make his debut, and after he's rejected, he'll go elsewhere and possibly come back later (that's what Jesus did during his time on earth, in the places/towns he visited) He wanted them to get Him, to get Life.
God is sold short. If we are sick and dissatisfied in our soul, then He's not really our God but some sad caricature we've contrived. And we've sold our Love for the keeping of rules (that's a line from Waterdeep, my favorite band--
"Do I have enough compassion or have I sold all my love for the keeping of rules
Am I so much in fashion, that I forgot I was born to a family of fools"- from You were at the time for love)
God is love and he's been sold for the keeping of rules, or the keeping of power, or the keeping of wealth

Aaaaaahhhhhh

My friend sent me this... I couldn't resist posting it. I'm a cat lover (and dog lover and animal lover) Isn't it ridiculously amazing and sweet! (read below pics)
HOW strong the maternal "instinct'' is!!! God is good-





Pork Chops or cubs?
In a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth.

The mother tiger, after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.

After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only 'orphans' that could be found quickly were a litter of weaning pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops??
Take a look...

Now, please tell me one more time......
Why can't the rest of the world get along??"

Process

I just thank God that our healing and sanctification is a process. I know Jesus said " it is finished," but I've come to see the way it plays out here, on our day to day, as not finished, but a slow and often painful process. As far as eternity is concerned, he accomplished it all, he will complete the work he begun in us. Thank goodness for that. So all this makes for very messy relationships in one way or another-- that's why grace is so desperately needed (forgiveness and reconciliation). But even forgiveness and reconciliation are a process, they can't be forced. Jesus died for the sins of the whole world, but he is still reconciling the world to himself-- again, process. Not everyone accepts his offer of forgiveness. Many do not receive him, at least, not yet. So today I'm just thinking of the "process" of it all. God's still working... there is grace for me today in my shortcomings, as I abide in Him. Free to be me and learn and grow because He loves me, and I love him.
I just wanna praise him, don't you?

No matter what you do

Couldn't figure out how to rotate this...
Must share this with you blog friends... I'm writing it in green because Maggie's favorite color is green
What a wonderful little girl we have...
Today she said she wrote a song (bear in mind she's only 3)
It goes " No matter what you do, no matter what you do"
She came and woke me up singing it. She said "i write songs like you mama"
It's a catchy tune. She kept singing it and I asked her-- what is it about? AND she said-- "it means you're happy and thankful for God and it makes you happy when you're sad."
WOW she already knows, God her father loves her "no matter what you do." A simple, refreshing child's faith. No complications. She knows she's loved and that alone is making her kind and sweet. There's no other foundation so strong and sure. We must be doing some things right, by God's grace.
Not to analyze the simplicity...but she gets what some of us just can't get or accept-- God couldn't possibly love me if he really knew me..... but he does
"... God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
I happen to know that she knows that it does matter if one is truthful or obedient or kind.... that's not what she was singing about. She was singing about God's unconditional love, even when we fail, hurt or mess up, His love doesn't go away ever--how deep and wide it is....
THANK YOU JESUS for Maggie!!!

Poem...

The Wounded Soul

Oh, the wounded soul can
doubt too rashly
fall too quickly
drown too easily
ache too deeply

but oh, the wounded soul can
long so immensely
look so earnestly
hope so valiantly
seek so vehemently

There is healing for the wounded soul
who will but seek it
even with a fumbling heart and hands

He will come with the surgeon's tools
and the ache will bring about
a sweet and lovely relief
in time
and time again

Luke 11:9-10
"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

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The best wounds are the wounds of a soldier who is fighting for love. The weapons are invisible but mighty. The wounds deep but beautiful. Just look at the Savior's wrists